Granted. But it is just cheese. On a thin crust. Made by a midget who lisps, and also has a bad habit of scratching his athlete’s foot in between making pizzas, which he only does one day a week, refrigerating them so he can just nuke ‘em for each order over the next 6 days and otherwise laze on his hammock sipping GingerAle and trolling Blahtherapy Listeners…
I wish I had a sailboat big enough for two and provisions for a week at sea.
Granted. But then you’re not the smartest cookie, and you take this sailboat out into the Atlantic, you get lost and starve yourself to death.
I wish I had the perfect pair of jeans.
Granted. But you eat too much Thai food and your butt becomes imperfect. Uh-oh, there is a crack in the perfection!
I wish my beard was less itchy.
Granted! But now your beard is so soft that everyone won’t stop touching your face all the time! Super annoying!
I wish I had $1,000!!!!!
Granted. You blow it on Pez dispensers.
I wish I had a pickup truck.
Granted! But as soon as you start the engine, a bunch of snakes will come out of it and bite you.
I wish I was the wisest person on earth!
Granted!! But as soon as word gets out about your intelligence, you are now forced to forever answer everyone’s dumb questions and everyone bothers you with their personal problems.
I wish I could breathe in space!
Granted, but now unfortunately the earth’s atmosphere is far too dense for you. You have to move to the moon. It is really hot during the day, and really cold at night. And a day on the moon is just under 30 earth days. The first day you get a bad sun burn. I. Mean. Bad. That night you almost freeze to death. 24 times. But, you get used to the routine. Not. Sorry. Life on the moon, so it turns out, is crap.
I wish I could teleport through digital signals, to anyone I was talking to.
Granted, but you can’t control it and now you’re stranded in Nigeria with a telemarketer/scammer that you answered the phone to.
I wish for a minor super power that won’t attract much attention.
Granted. You have the ability to trip people with your mind. At first it was amusing, very amusing. But then you lost control, and now everyone you look at trips. Life around you is chaos, and restaurants are definitely a thing of the past.
I wish I could draw/paint, like, for real. Like an artist, not stick figures.