Hayden said 8 years, 8 months ago:

I tried posting this in the Q-n-A, but it wouldn’t go through for some reason. So I’m starting a topic here instead.
This is my first time really seeking for such help, so I’ll do my best at being clear and specific.
3 years ago, I was introduced to someone by a friend. The person is someone my friend knew through the Internet, so that’s how I met her; by making an account on a chat-service so we could talk.
We hit it off immediately. We found that we have lots of things in common, and we instantly became best friends.
Over the next few days, we began liking each other and after only 10 days of knowing each other, we decided to start a long distant relationship.
Now, things haven’t always been perfect in our relationship. In the beginning, I failed at being there for her. We both failed at being open and honest with each other. We basically failed to be a well-functioning couple. But we made it through.
Just last year, though, was when things really started falling apart. It was the beginning of the end. She cheated on me for months, from the beginning of summer, and she didn’t tell me until around the New Year of this year. I didn’t give up on her, for multiple reasons. 1, I love her and 2, she’s suicidal and I’ve always been afraid of leaving her, because she says she can’t live without me. She’s always told me that she would kill herself if I left her, whether by death or by choice.
I convinced myself that we could fix things, and that we could make it through because we’ve been able to make it through everything.
Things got better… for awhile.
We started talking about a future together. Something that scared me, because along the way, I realized I was only staying with her because I didn’t want her to kill herself. Yes, I love her, but I wasn’t happy with where I was. Being in a relationship with her has impacted my mental state, my social life, and my freedom.
She ended up cheating on me again, just within the last few months. But I still didn’t give up on her, because I was in fear.
Through the year, I’ve felt trapped in this relationship. A relationship that was never really functional; built off of dishonesty, mistrust, betrayal, and fear.
We’ve been fighting more often lately. She gets upset at me for no reason. She hurts me, and then plays the victim. I can do no right with her, and she always makes me feel like I’m not enough. She gets mad at me for still being hurt and mistrustful towards her, because of the cheating incidents.
Yesterday, we had a great day together. We talked about our future and our plans to meet in January. We talked about how much we love each other. We were both genuinely happy for once. But then, something happened. She got upset that I couldn’t play a certain game with her online, because I couldn’t use my laptop at that moment. I told her she had to wait. It sent her into a mental breakdown, which turned into anger towards me. We had a fight, which lasted hours. And when she was feeling better after midnight, she left to sleep while I was kept up by my anxiety and my emotional stress from what had happened.
So…today came, and things were well for the most part. Until I didn’t reply to her fast enough at one point; 5 minutes. She accused me of “rejecting her love”, and of course, it sent us into another fight.
She began threatening to kill herself. She was yet again taking out her frustration on me, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her it was over. I broke up with her. I did it in the nicest way possible, but I’m still so afraid she’s going to kill herself.
Right now, I feel a mixture of freedom and paranoia, because I don’t know if I did the right thing. I’m starting to wonder if I just should’ve stayed with her.

I’m sorry if this has been too long, but I thank anyone who’s taken the time to read it and help me out.

~ Hayden

rinseandrep said 8 years, 8 months ago:

Somebody shared recently some links about it:

http://blahtherapy.com/members/itsaboutthelittlethings/activity/774157/

I don’t know if you have an address for her to send the police/EMT at if she tells you she will do it, I hope you do. Tell her family about it if it makes you feel better, so they know she’s at a bad moment.

Hayden said 8 years, 8 months ago:

@layla95 & @b0ss Thank you both for the advice. I very much appreciate it, and knowing that I’m not alone in this made me feel a lot better for starters.
I’ve decided that I’m going to keep the contact with my ex cut-off, because I just know that if I tried personally checking in on her, or even simply talking to her, there would be continuous fighting about me leaving her and whatnot. I believe friendship between us is impossible at this point, and it’s probably for the best that it doesn’t end up like that anyway.
Luckily, she does have a close friend who I hope continues to look out for her, so she won’t always be alone. I can only hope that her friend talks to her family, because there’s no way that I, myself, can get in touch with them.
All-in-all, I do believe now that this was for the best.
Thank you again for the help!

@rinseandrep
Thank you for the link. It’s unfortunate that these things happen to so many people.
Unfortunately, I was given her address months ago, and I tried hard looking for it in our messages, but to no avail. And I also have no way of contacting her family. The good thing, though, is that, as I mentioned above to the others, she has a close friend who looks after her, and I’m hoping she’ll warn the family too.

Once again, thank you all for the help & advice. It’s much appreciated.

~ Hayden

Humanist Hope said 8 years, 8 months ago:

“…she’s suicidal and I’ve always been afraid of leaving her, because she says she can’t live without me. She’s always told me that she would kill herself if I left her, whether by death or by choice.

“We started talking about a future together. Something that scared me, because along the way, I realized I was only staying with her because I didn’t want her to kill herself. Yes, I love her, but I wasn’t happy with where I was. Being in a relationship with her has impacted my mental state, my social life, and my freedom.”

That’s all you need to know. You are staying with her out of fear. That is not a healthy relationship by any stretch of the imagination. She is manipulating you and abusing you. You need to leave before she gets violent, because abusers escalate.

Do not worry yourself about what happens to her. She is using herself as ammunition against you, and your goal is not confrontation, it is total non-engagement, that means 100% no-contact.

Hayden said 8 years, 7 months ago:

@adarah

I always did my best to remain calm with her. I never returned threats or anything like that. I usually just let her take the frustration out, and I wouldn’t talk much. Unfortunately, that would just make her angrier. She said I “treated her differently” that way. So I would try to explain that I’m just being careful of what I say, because nothing I could say or do was right when it came to her.

I always understood her distress. I never purposely made her feel like she was in the wrong; I always tried to put the blame on myself in attempt to make her feel better, because I truly believed it was me, anyway. But it never helped…just made her feel even worse.

Our relationship was long-distance, so there was never any real violence like that. I would never be that way anyhow, but I don’t know if I can say the same for her.

Fortunately, the relationship has been over for about a week now. I appreciate the advice, thank you.

@blackholehead

Thank you so much, Jonathan. Your post was exactly what I needed. The relationship has been over for about a week, and I haven’t made contact with her since. I don’t plan to, either. So I’ll try not to worry too much. Thanks again.

@elizabethfke12

Thank you, the reassuring words always help.