And depression, to be precise. I actually realised that it is always when summer arrives that I feel more in pain, but things are just getting worse and I don’t know what to do.
I had a bad meeting with a psychologist in November, and since then I was afraid to contact a new one. I’m afraid of either being taken as a joke (just like that psychologist) or being taken too seriously that they might give a name to a disturb I have and it just makes my problem too real to bear.
The thing is, I think I’m suffering depression. It’s been months (or actually even an year) that I just don’t feel like anything in my life can give me pleasure. I used to draw and write whenever I felt sad and not well, or I would listen to music, it would give me energy to feel a bit better. But none of these things work anymore. My life became like an empty vase that whenever I try to pour some water in it or something, it would dry right away. I’m living of distractions to not feel this emotion.
And what makes things even worse, I feel like I’m always in a bad place. I like going out with my friends, I keep in touch with them and enjoy going out, yet if staying at home in my own room gives me the feeling of being trapped with my depression (as well as my family that doesn’t make things better), going out makes me feel like being trapped in a bigger cell with people and situations that makes me feel uncomfortable. I would like to run out somewhere alone, but the fear of not knowing where to go, having to deal with my parents that want to know where I went with who, just blocks me.
I have friends that always remember me that they’re there for me, and yet I feel just like an annoying bother that ruins their happiness, so I just prefer not to say anything. But I don’t know anymore if it even helps me to talk with someone. I feel stuck, my future scares me, my present makes me angry with myself, and I constantly judge myself comparing with others, and this is ruining my self confidence.