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Red Sheep said 6 years, 5 months ago:

And depression, to be precise. I actually realised that it is always when summer arrives that I feel more in pain, but things are just getting worse and I don’t know what to do.
I had a bad meeting with a psychologist in November, and since then I was afraid to contact a new one. I’m afraid of either being taken as a joke (just like that psychologist) or being taken too seriously that they might give a name to a disturb I have and it just makes my problem too real to bear.

The thing is, I think I’m suffering depression. It’s been months (or actually even an year) that I just don’t feel like anything in my life can give me pleasure. I used to draw and write whenever I felt sad and not well, or I would listen to music, it would give me energy to feel a bit better. But none of these things work anymore. My life became like an empty vase that whenever I try to pour some water in it or something, it would dry right away. I’m living of distractions to not feel this emotion.
And what makes things even worse, I feel like I’m always in a bad place. I like going out with my friends, I keep in touch with them and enjoy going out, yet if staying at home in my own room gives me the feeling of being trapped with my depression (as well as my family that doesn’t make things better), going out makes me feel like being trapped in a bigger cell with people and situations that makes me feel uncomfortable. I would like to run out somewhere alone, but the fear of not knowing where to go, having to deal with my parents that want to know where I went with who, just blocks me.
I have friends that always remember me that they’re there for me, and yet I feel just like an annoying bother that ruins their happiness, so I just prefer not to say anything. But I don’t know anymore if it even helps me to talk with someone. I feel stuck, my future scares me, my present makes me angry with myself, and I constantly judge myself comparing with others, and this is ruining my self confidence.

Any suggestion..?

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laylab95 said 6 years, 5 months ago:

I honestly know where you are coming from since i was diagnosed with ptsd a few years a go. I want to tell you firstly that you are very lucky to have friends that are there for you. I highly doubt that you are a burden to them. You have to try your hardest to find a way of not feeling trapped. I always try to tell myself, if I was to die today, would i be proud of myself? What would i regret not doing? Ask yourself those things. If you want to do things both alone and with others, do it! It will be scary at first but I bet you will feel so much better knowing that you accomplish it rather than regretting to do so. I also went to a therapist 2 years back who said I deserved to be rape. Can you believe that? I went bonkers but whatever you went through, know that it isn’t your fault. Therapist are humans firstly. You have good and bad ones. I suggest trying others until you find one whom you truly connect with. It may be the first one you go to or the 5th but the goal here is to try whatever you like. You will make mistakes. That’s okay. No one that is mentally sane won’t judge you for that I promise. I’m no doctor but you are more than likely are suffering from depression. Seek help. Most therapist will try exercises with you before putting you on medications which in my opinion, is the best alternative. I also use to love writing and drawing before i went through so much. I suggest that you get back into it slowly. Write everyday even if it is something dark or a one word sentence. I promise that day by day, you will see the change in your words and drawings. Main thing here is to express yourself. Do not let the ignorant people defeat you okay? You can always contact me on here or offline if you prefer. As corny as it sounds, you are never alone.

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Red Sheep said 6 years, 5 months ago:

You don’t know how much happy you made me with your words, thank you, I appreciate a lot. I’m always scared to talk to others about this, but perhaps I should do a small effort to reach them.
.. Might as well starting sending those e-mails I keep to ask for a meeting with a psychologist! I really really want to go out from this situation, although sometimes I make efforts to feel better, it’s so hard it takes me all of my energy, and I can’t really go on like this.

P.S. Omg, a therapist REALLY said those things to you? This is insane!

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laylab95 said 6 years, 5 months ago:

I am very much glad I could help. Always feel free to be open to things no matter how terrifying it seems to be. You may lose some but overall, you will gain a lot more. If you don’t mind, update on how things go once you finally see a psychologist. Yes it’s a long story but that therapist was very racist and I found out she knew my ex and told him and his mom everything. It was very awful and it took me a year to try and see someone. You will be fine and again, you’re always welcomed to message me.

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