Abby said 5 years, 6 months ago:

I went on a few dates with a guy I had met at University in late October last year; I had liked him for over a year so I was really excited. I did something that turned him off and at the end of the third date he said something like “your first rejection is the hardest”. I know now, that that was meant to be a rejection but because he wasn’t my first rejection I didn’t take it as one, so he ended up leading me on for a few days.
*** TRIGGER WARNING ***
I want to his house and stayed for a few hours one of the days. While I was there he started groping me, I’d already made it clear I didn’t want him groping me because I didn’t want things moving too fast. Once the shock wore off a little I asked him to stop. I know he heard me because he hesitated and said “sorry, am I being too…” then started groping me again. (I didn’t remember asking him to stop at this point, until a few weeks ago). I was really scared and couldn’t speak. Later on he went to the bathroom, when he came back he tried taking my jeans off, all I said was “no” and he stopped and asked if it was because I wasn’t shaven, I responded “no” again. Then he put his hand between my legs, outside my jeans and started groping me again, he then asked how far away I was so I told him I was a while away.
*** END TRIGGER WARNING ***
Later that night, when he dropped me home, he said he’d be really busy with exams and wouldn’t be able to see me (our exams are in November).
I was really confused about what had happened and (I feel really stupid admitting this, but) I honestly didn’t realize it was sexual assault at the time. About a week later he started contacting me and asking if I wanted to meet up, which I kept rejecting, that went on for about 3 weeks. Really I knew he just wanted to sleep with me, but I didn’t want to believe it.
Whenever I thought about what happened I remembered the nice things he’d done, when he still liked me, and how fast his behaviour had changed. I still really liked him and because I had started contacting me again and I was become even more confused about what had happened and whether or not he still liked me.
About a week later I messaged him on Facebook, asking why he’d lead me on (I didn’t mention anything else). He didn’t admit to leading me on. A couple of weeks after that, I deleted him from Facebook and when he realised, he messaged me on Facebook, apologising for leading me on. I told him I thought he wanted sex which he denied, again. I was still in denial about what had happened and I hadn’t spoken to anyone about it. I was relieved in a way, and still liked him so I felt a bit bad for accusing him of that and I agreed to meet up with him.
We got to the park and walked around a bit, and then we went to a bushy area with walking tracks. There were a few steps leading to the tracks and at that point he started trailing behind me. A few meters after I walked down the steps, I turned around and he stumbled, it seemed like he had tried to grab me from behind but I had moved out of the way. At that point I knew something was up but I didn’t say anything because I was in shock.
We walked a bit further along the path and he started hugging me (from the front). I was really nervous and still didn’t say anything. I can’t remember what happened first, but I’m pretty sure it’s in this order.
*** TRIGGER WARNING ***
We kept walking along the track and turned right and kept going for a minute or two then turned back, the next thing I remember is him groping me then he put his hand on my butt and started dry humping me. My mind was completely blank the entire time. We walked back to the main track (I don’t actually remember walking back though).
I don’t remember how he got behind me but I remember him saying “you look left and I’ll look right” then he started groping me again. At that point I was trying to think of ways to get out of there, I knew I’d left my bag in his car so I didn’t feel like I could just leave.
(I know this happened last) We walked away from where we had entered the walk way. There was a wooden railing next to the path I remember sitting on it next to him, then I remember sitting on his lap facing him. He was holding onto me. I remember two men walking past us, I really wanted them to stop and do something but they didn’t.
*** END TRIGGER WARNING ***
I then told him I had to leave because I was going to the gym. I don’t know why I didn’t think of saying that earlier. We walked back to the car, I don’t remember the drive to the gym but I do remember him parking in a side street. When I walked from the car to the gym I was completely numb.
I feel like such an idiot for doing everything I did after the first time. I’m embarrassed to even tell anyone what really happened.

rinseandrep said 5 years, 6 months ago:

The second episode was not consensual either, he didn’t care for signs of explicit consent (not that he would have wanted to look to begin with, given your first experience together where he ignored your ‘no’).

Make sure to tell your future partners that they need to check for signs of expressed consent from you, if you still tend to dissociate/freeze when touched, so you can work on it together.

Abby said 5 years, 6 months ago:

Thanks @rinseandrep. Do you think the police would take it seriously if I reported it? I just feel like they’ll tell me that since I should have known what was going to happen, there’s nothing they can do.

rinseandrep said 5 years, 6 months ago:

I don’t know, I think you will be asked a lot of “why didn’t you say stop”, “why did you agree to go to his apartment”, etc. I think one good start would be to talk with your counselor or other local sexual harassment resources, and they will advise you about what kind of measures you can take, related to your state laws.

Trevor said 5 years, 6 months ago:

I can’t answer this publicly, so just to drive certain people crazy…I’ll publicly announce that I’m going to private message you my answer. Yes…I am evil, no I have no remorse…I feed on your curiosity.

Abby said 5 years, 6 months ago:

@rinseandrep Yeah, I know it would seem like I did want it when you put it like that, but considering he was contacting me for 3 weeks straight trying to see me I assumed I’d already made it clear that I didn’t want it.

rinseandrep said 5 years, 6 months ago:

Put it like what?

I’m just saying that you need to go through this with someone by your side because if you press charges, you’ll have to debate this, so it’s good to have the support of a counselor or a women’s group who already have experience with this. (@abby123)

If these laws apply to you:

https://chronicle.com/article/Raped-on-Campus-Don-t-Trust/228093/

consider a support outlet separated from your university

Abby said 5 years, 6 months ago:

Thanks @rinseandrep, I’ll try it