ElenaJay said 9 years, 4 months ago:
Hey! I saw your post and I felt obliged to make an account just to reply to you. Honestly, I don’t know if I can help at all, but I’m going to try. Your post saddened me, not because of how you feel, but because you’re trying so hard to find a new belief.
First of all, I don’t understand why being an atheist makes a difference here. You see love/sex as “sacred” and believe they should be put at the same level and whether you are an atheist or not, it honestly doesn’t make a difference. You’re entitled to seeing things as sacred too you know, even if you don’t have a religion. Sure, it sounds paradoxical, but it’s only truly incongruous to the shallow-minded.
Let’s call this little belief of yours being “old-fashioned.” (I know it’s not, but for the sake of practicality please bear with me. I’m choosing old-fashioned because if someone hears you saying that you believe sex should be limited, then they’ll immediately label you as old-fashioned). There’s nothing wrong with being old-fashioned! In a society that over emphasizes on sex, I’m surprised there aren’t more people who are “old-fashioned” like you are. We plaster sex everywhere, on TV, movies, books, ads, even everything we work on is ultimately believed to be for the sake of having sex (Freudian much here, sorry). My point is that, if sex is this important to society (there wouldn’t be a society without it in the first place, right? lol), I understand why someone like you would put it so high on a podium – along with love. What actually worries me though is how society doesn’t; if you’re one of those people who isn’t following the typical standards, I think you should stick to your beliefs and proudly share them, in the hopes of at least opening other people’s eyes. Call me uptight for saying this, call me whatever you want to call me, but just as some see nothing wrong with casual sex, there should be nothing wrong about the complete opposite behavior.
So like I said, I think you’re trying too hard to change. No one, no standard, no unspoken social norm should ever make you feel imposed to change. I know, you’re confused, and you’re not able to come into terms with yourself and what you have done, it is probably causing some anxiety too, but in reality I think that the way you feel about the whole situation is rather beautiful. You’re seeing this as a whole new level of intimacy and at some point in your life you will meet that person that won’t make you regret at all how you’re feeling right now.
The issue now would be though, how to make this mind-set of yours work in a society where sex is not always backed up by feelings (Let’s call this, empty intimacy). Something else that seems to bother you is that even if people are not “emptily intimate,” then others they fall in love multiple times, which leads to levels of intimacy with several partners throughout their lives. I think that the only way to deal with this is to look for the right person who hasn’t been in love before. I’m sorry, I know I’m not helping much, and I do realize that’s not a practical solution, but it doesn’t sound to me like you will ever change your opinion, and I’m not even encouraging you to. It will just be more logical for you to fall for someone who thinks the same way you do, because while you think opposites attract, the truth is that birds of the same flock stick together. I think someone like this will be the only person you will get along with – at least at an intellectual level.
I realize such a person isn’t easy to find, or maybe someday you’ll get to love someone who’s been in love before but that you’ll love so much that you won’t think twice about the things she has done in the past. I could be wrong, but in other words, it sounds to me like maybe the problem you had with this previous girl wasn’t that she had been in a relationship in the past, but that she wasn’t compatible with you in the first place. It sounds to me like maybe deep inside you’re a true romantic who wants a “pure and sincere relationship.”
No one can make you come into terms with yourself except for you. We can help you, but no amount of talk can change you. No one can be forced into changing his mind-set, if you try to, you’ll just be suppressing things and that can cause a lot of anxiety. I probably confused you more than how you already felt lol but I just wanted you to know that you shouldn’t be trying so hard to change your attitude about this.
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