Emily said 9 years, 9 months ago:

My bf and I live together. We’re very much in love. But our communication skills are sub-par. Every time I try to discuss a problem he’ll say something very conclusive hinting that he doesn’t wanna talk about it and that frustrates me to no end. It’s as if he refuses to feel or think about us, even though he’s usually very introspective. I feel like whatever I say about my feelings doesn’t really register with him, no matter how much I say it or in what way. He seems to think a problem will go away if you just ignore it. I always encourage him to tell me how HE feels about things, but he’s the most nonchalant person I’ve ever known and usually would rather brush things off than talk about them. I can’t tell if it’s lack of feeling or just laziness at this point that’s keeping him from working with me. He always shows/tells me how much he loves me; I know it’s not a lack of love. I just don’t know how to get him to see how serious this is before it’s too late. :/

rinseandrep said 9 years, 9 months ago:

Since he’s so evasive, you could try to propose weekly discussions of things so he’s ready and free to not talk about it for an entire week in between. Cliff has some posts about this approach:

http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2013/02/getting-negotiation-going.html

http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/01/this-is-what-negotiation-looks-like.html

Also, of course, sharing with him how his ‘invisible hand’ approach to relationships makes you feel, could help too, if you didn’t do it already.

Swifting said 9 years, 9 months ago:

@perfumeddog – this is not about what you believe in. If you have nothing productive to add to the conversation please refrain.

That being said:

I do agree that the negotiation techniques above could be helpful.

He might not be aware of his feelings. Men are not always as emotionally involved as women are. He might not have feelings for a certain event one way or another.

If you need him to get something done perhaps write up a list in a priority order and ask him to complete the things on the list and that it would mean a lot to you if he helped you out. That if he doesn’t help you then you will have to do it and will not have time to do other fun things with him.

dancingbarefoot said 9 years, 9 months ago:

my best advice is for you to tell him how his lack of communication makes you feel, but phrase it like “i feel like this is happening” rather than “you don’t talk to me enough and that bothers me”. the point is to come out sounding like you want to resolve the problem rather than creating one by sounding accusatory.