Deleted User said 7 years, 9 months ago:

Hello and welcome to the story of my life. Well, since high school really. It helps to vent a little. May have triggers; consider yourself warned.

When I entered high school I didn’t really know what to expect. I was discovering my sexuality and discovering what I liked in a person. I was trying the best I could at my subjects, and I enjoyed doing well. My first relationship was with a girl (I am also a girl) who was two years older then me, smoked, drunk regularly, cut herself, and had sex in the parking lot of the school. I was a naive clarinet player with half a hard-on for calculus. My first relationship ended up being six months of sexual assault and emotional abuse/guilt tripping. I refused to tell anyone about it until my friends pushed me into going to the authorities of the school, who managed to effectively cut off the relationship. I refused to tell anyone who might look down on me, including my parents.

To help me cope with the feelings I started cutting myself. It did help, it helped me feel less numb and it helped me find a sort of peace.

Bipolar runs down my father’s side of the family. My grandfather ended his life when my Dad was seven, and my father’s eldest brother ended his life when my Dad was in his teens. It’s unknown if I have received it yet, or if I’m just a carrier. On my mother’s side is ADHD and severe depression. I inherited both these things.

I had two more meaningful relationships while I was in highschool. One lasted for six months, with a guy my age that I never expected to be into me (he was totally out of my league), and another who lasted for four years, eventually breaking up due to relocation on both our ends.

My relationship directly out of highschool was with another male. Twice my age, I was 18 and he was 32. He had the mentality of a 20 year old and I suppose that should have been a red flag there. It was a great relationship while it lasted, but after six months it fell apart. We both were intoxicated (stoned/drunk) and camping. After a night by the fire, we went to bed and I explicitly stated I wasn’t interested in sex. He choked me out and from there on I don’t remember anything.. but it was easy to tell from the bruises on my body what happened. I doubt he remembers what happened that night, one of the many reasons I didn’t go after him legally. I ended the relationship a few days later.

I waited almost a year before trying another relationship. This one was long distance, with a friend from a gaming server. We had methods of instant communication and daily vocal communication, so the loneliness was tolerable. He came up to see me once, and I went down to see him once as well during our 14 month relationship. It was a beautiful relationship, but a combination of his dominance and control (making me ask to go out with friends, creating a rift and isolation between the real life people I knew and him, etc) led the relationship to be somewhat of a roller coaster. I tried ending it three times during the course of the relationship, each time turning back to him during the ‘honeymoon’ cycle. I ended the relationship with him hoping we could remain friends, but the silence between us has only been breached once in the recent weeks.

The end of that relationship was four months ago.

Over the last year my parents have been tied up in an ugly divorce. My father wanted to divorce my mother as of November of last year. He had many reasons for doing it, so I heard, but the main one was his happiness. He said many things about the situation at hand, but the main thing was his positivity about the divorce. My mother on the other hand, was extremely unhappy about it. Her anger of the situation led to her talking to me about it often, and her negative emotions were impacting me so much I couldn’t stand talking with her about the situation. I asked her to refrain from talking about my father to stop our relationship from dissolving. I continued to get the details about what was going on from my father because his words were always positive and I didn’t have to deal with my emotions getting triggered from negativity. My father and I have always been close, but we definitely got closer.

My father ended his life on September 16, a few weeks ago.

Everything has been incredibly numb. I fear I’ve been going through the motions and going through a major depression. I’m not really here – I have had a consistent problem with cutting for the last six years, and its come back. I smoke regularly (mariwana) which helps me eat and sleep and deal with the anxiety and depression.

My new job – I’m a baker for a nearby restaurant – told me I’m re-doing my training shifts with someone tomorrow because my work hasn’t been up to par.

My father left me a larger chunk of inheritance money than he left my mother, and our relationship has been shaky at best. He left a suicide note that had an angry paragraph for my mother, but had general connotations that he was extremely depressed. She still seems to be quite angry, and I’m still having problems talking with her due to her emotions triggering my anxiety and negative emotions.

Both my roommates in the house I live in – that I hold the lease for – told me a week after dad ended his life they were leaving in two months. My uncle has offered to help me sublet the place, but I still don’t know where I’m going to live.

I thought I had picked a job that was right for me, and had plans to go to school next year for it, (paramedic) but with the amount of anxiety and social anxiety I feel it’s completely off the table, so I’m still not sure what I want to do with my life or where I’d like to go.

I feel like my life is totally falling apart, and I don’t know what I should do. Typing this out helped me a lot, but I’m still struggling. I’m hoping I’ll be able to start seeing a therapist or someone to help me soon.

MariahMakesMusic said 7 years, 7 months ago:

Youre so strong <3 keep your head up.