birch said 10 years, 1 month ago:

My partner has been having a really tough time battling depression. We’re both undergraduates at university and are graduating in May. I don’t know if it’s the season, (pretty harsh winters here) or academic stress (pretty steep right now), or the big upcoming life changes, or just straight-up clinical depression (which he has been diagnosed with, it runs in his family), or all of these things compounded. I also haven’t known him long enough to know if this is something that happens to him and that passes with time, or if it is something that he is going to have to work through, or else die from. I try to talk to him about it, but it’s difficult to get consistent answers that make sense and that we can work with, and he gets frustrated with me for asking so many questions.

He lashes out at me in little ways that hurt, but when I tell him that he’s hurt me, he’ll start self-deprecating, not apologizing, just saying mean things about himself like “I’m a fuckboy” or “I’m a jerk,” and I’m put in a position where I need to comfort him in order to feel like he’s safe and okay, but all the while I’m still hurt by whatever it was that he’d said or done. I don’t want him to feel any more guilt than the guilt he already feels for simply existing, but taking his shit also hurts me. It makes me feel like.. less.

It also seems to me like the pain he is experiencing is causing him to be really short-sighted. Talking to him is like talking to someone who is living in a hole. All he can see is the walls of the hole. He told me that he has been sad for years and that he doesn’t have hope for the future. He says that everyone wishes he would just go away, and that he’ll never be able to make money drawing and that he’ll be a loser and probably commit suicide before thirty. I’ve been trying to get him to contact the university’s (free) counseling services, but he won’t do it. He used to take antidepressants but says that they make life hazy/foggy/meaningless.

We have great sex, but this morning it felt like sex was the thing that we were holding onto for support. And it’s a good thing that we have that support, I suppose, but it can’t be the only thing we have amidst a sea of bleakness/blackness.

noworries1620 said 10 years, 1 month ago:

As the person on the other side. As the person with the mental illness, I understand. It might take many tries with many different meds to find something that will work. I am sorry for your hurting. Instead of questions, just try to give him a hug. Just tell him you love him. Reach out to family. Maybe someone can help you get him into some treatment. All I can say about how he has hurt you is that he does feel bad and worthless and there is nothing you have done and there is not much you can do until he will go get help. Please know how strong you are for staying and loving him. He can get out of this.All you can do is be patient and love him through the pain.