I’m so confused and tired and I’m really close to just giving up.
I’m doing my best to keep it all chained down and hidden, but it’s building up and I’m losing control.
I’m doing it for my family, my grandmother is dying, my brother is having trouble, there’s my families financial situation which I’m helping out with as much as I can and I’m quite frankly neglecting myself so much it should be illegal.
My hair hasn’t been cut in 2 whole years, I can’t afford my medication, but I’m doing it because I don’t want my family to know just how bad things are with me.
My depression began when I was 13, I was having major problems in school, being bullied and I was already starting to isolate myself because of how bad I felt. I hated myself, I still do but even though my parents knew I was being bullied, they took it as a minor thing and whenever I acted up if I didn’t want to go somewhere, they disregarded it and said I was just being an unruly teenager.
My problems got worse over the years, I had no friends and still don’t. I keep lying to them about going out when I’m really just walking around the town or down to the beach to get a bit of peace of mind.
I’ve of course many times thought about just ending it, even tried but I’m too much of a coward and it would all be a huge inconvenience for my family.
I know I should just come clean and tell them, but I already know how that would impact them. It’s not the right time, it may never be.
I seriously need help and I even know what I really should do, what I HAVE to do, but I just can’t. I’ve never spoken with another person about all this, I don’t know how to even form the words or speak them out loud. Writing is so easy, but sitting face to face…
I’m usually the one who tells others what to do, I’m smart, clever and I know what the most logical and rational thing to do would be, I always comfort others, I always say the right things.
Just not when it comes down to myself. I’m a giver, not a taker.
I feel like I’m living two different lives, that I’m two completely different people, acting in a play where I leave the stage and when I get back home, I’m this miserable person who’s stuck in a endless circle of self-loathing and neglect, hating and wishing all bad on myself.
I’ve thought about getting an appointment with my doctor next week, but I don’t even know where to begin.
How do I face her? What do I tell her? I really need to get hospitalized and soon, before I go crazy..