Jessiebelle said 10 years, 3 months ago:

Open relationships can be very successful, but like all relationships they depend on the people in them.

I have had open relationships that crashed and burned, but I’ve also seen extremely happy open relationships. It always depends on the persons and their motivations.

First and foremost: Know yourself and know your boundaries. This video might be a good place to start: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoYxd3E3UXU . If you go into a relationship assuming that you’ll just be okay with everything it’s not going to end well.

Secondly, be kind and go slow with everyone. Asking for permission is a show of respect and consideration. It’s not a sign that you’re not really open. It’s very important that both partners maintain a constant level of care and kindness.

Thirdly, avoid the fallacies. Geek social fallacies: http://www.plausiblydeniable.com/opinion/gsf.html. Geek sex fallacies: http://pervocracy.blogspot.ca/2012/02/geek-social-fallacies-of-sex.html. Geek relationship fallacies: http://captainawkward.com/2012/04/16/geek-relationship-fallacies/.

Also important: Why do you want an open relationship? This is important for both partners and there should be a consistent check-in for why you want this kind of relationship. If either of you are in it because the other person wants it and you want that person, it’s not going to end well.

Reading suggestions: The ethical slut: http://www.amazon.ca/Ethical-Slut-Dossie-Easton/dp/1587613379/ref=pd_sim_b_1 and Opening Up: http://www.amazon.ca/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=pd_sim_b_1.
Ethical Slut is more philosophy and…hippie-do pie-in-the-sky idealism and Opening up is more concrete exercises and facts. Both are useful though. Take what you want from both and make it work for you.

Fundamentally every relationship should make you happy, no matter who or how you do it. If you’re ever more sad/angry/jealous/miserable than happy you need to reassess the relationship.

Jessiebelle said 10 years, 3 months ago:

I’m going to disagree with you Flamecrayon, polyamory is a thing that many people (that I know in real-life) are extremely happy with.

Being in love with more than one person can be fun, heartwarming and great for all the people involved. I’ve seen poly relationships that have been open/had multiple loves (i.e. committed, loving relationships at the same time) for years that are still going strong.

But, like I said, it depends on the people in them. Like every relationship.

Jessiebelle said 10 years, 3 months ago:

Yes, it’s true that most open relationships end with someone hurt, but that’s also true of closed relationships. Monogamy is no guarantee that a person won’t be hurt.

A lot of time people will put the blame for the failure of open relationships on the openness, but these relationships fail for the same reasons any relationship fails.

becausemegan, if you were in a closed relationship it wouldn’t have made the guy less of a jerk. It probably wouldn’t have even made you a public girlfriend. If anything, the openness of the relationship helped you meet the new guy without the guilt of cheating. You said yourself that the relationship wasn’t very stable or serious.

I feel like I’m constantly defending open relationships, but I will maintain that there’s not much different between open relationships and closed relationships. The relationship depends on the people in it, not on how it works.

Jessiebelle said 10 years, 3 months ago:

A dysfunctional relationship, one where any of the partners is constantly acquiescing to the demands of another will not end well whether it is monogamous or not.

Most relationships do not end on happy notes, whether monogamous or not. Once again I will assert that monogamy is no guarantee of happiness, stability or a continuing relationship.

Most of the closed relationships I’ve seen have ended sour. Does that mean that monogamy is a fool’s game and always curdles every relationship? No. It means that most relationships end and very few end happy.

I don’t see where you take umbrage with any of my points, yet you assert that I’m wrong because you have anecdotes. I have anecdotes too. Ones that contradict yours.

I was once in an open relationship that ended with both partners going their separate ways happily and without spite, we still see each other and wave.

I was once in an open relationship that never even really started, we just hung out for a bit, then agreed that we should probably not date. He’s now dating my best friend in a (shocker) polyamorous relationship that’s been going for three years and his married partner has a lovely girlfriend. They are all very happy (all five of them) and wonderful.

Not all open relationships are casual, not all open relationships end badly and not all open relationships are devoid of romantic, loving feelings.

Boundaries are important in any relationship. If you’re in a relationship because you think it’s all you deserve it’s not going to be a good relationship. If you just accept what your partner wants and never speak up about your wants it’s not going to be a good relationship. The rules that make a good relationship do not change based on the nature of the relationship.

There’s nothing inherently bad about open relationships, they get a bad rap because people blame the failure of the relationship entirely on the openness but the reasons they fail are the same reasons a closed relationship would fail.

becausemeagan said 10 years, 3 months ago:

Also once more. I am in NO WAY offended by your points, views, or belief’s. I didn’t think it was right to say that because of my open relationship I met my boyfriend. Which had nothing to do with it at all. By that point I had enough of open relationships & that guy. So those things have nothing to do with each other. You can’t really make assumptions off of someone’s personal experience. Had it been a pleasant experience I would totally agree. But it wasn’t and the relationships before then weren’t much satisfying either.