Lady Lionhead said 10 years, 6 months ago:

I came on BlahTherapy today as a venter, and my conversations often get interrupted/disconnected on here. The listener was very understanding, but I didn’t get much advice other than to show my husband the conversation, which I don’t think will work. I’m posting the conversation we had, so the rest of you can perhaps give me some advice on this.

Listener:
Hey

Me:
Can I ask how old you are?

Listener:
I’m 30

Me:
Okay. The first listener was 17, and the second was 12, so I just needed to make sure.

Listener:
Whys that?

Me:
Because I’m having trouble with my husband and I really don’t think a couple of kids can be of any help to me.

Listener:
Totally get it
What’s up

Me:
I just can’t seem to communicate with him lately. He’s being totally impossible to reason with.

Listener:
About something in particular, or everything?

Me:
Well there are a couple of issues we keep coming back to, but the way we argue about it it’s like I may as well be speaking another language.

Listener:
Can you think of an example?

Me:
Well for example we have things set up right now where I clean, and he cooks.
He loves to cook. He went to school for it and he works as a baker.

Listener:
Sounds good to me

Me:
His problem with me is, I grew up as a convenience eater. My family made us eat canned food and tv dinners, and I like to just grab things and eat. But he being so adamant about “good food” refuses to have anything like that in the house, and expects me to know what I want to eat ahead of time so he can unfreeze the meat and make stuff. Which doesn’t work, because I never know when or what I want to eat.

Listener:
That would make things stressful. Why should it always be his way though?

Me:
Exactly. He’s being very controlling, but he doesn’t see it that way. He just thinks that I’m out of the ordinary, wanting to eat that way.

Listener:
Food is pretty personal, and so are bodies. You need to eat when you need to eat
How does it hurt things to have some quick things you like available in the house

Me:
Because he believes canned spaghettios and tv dinners are crap food and considers it an insult to have it around. That’s how zealous he is about cooking.
And because I won’t eat his way, it’s MY fault he’s losing inspiration to cook.

Listener:
He’s got some issue about this
Is his pride super tied up in this?
Is this like cheating on him if you eat someone else’s food

Me:
No, it’s not that bad, but it’s just a matter of principle to him. He’s very proud. And that’s the main problem when I try to reason with him. He’s too proud to listen.

Listener:
That is very tiring
For a spouse
Hey
Can he make real versions of fun food
Like fried chicken and a brownie
Or is it all gourmet

Me:
He makes steaks and steamed vegetables and sauces that he mixed himself and stuff. He hardly ever makes mixed recipes like lasagna or enchiladas and things. That’s another thing I don’t like about having to eat his way.

Listener:
Do you not like the food?

Me:
No, I like the food. But he makes the main thing and tries to make it better than anyone instead of taking that same ingredient and making a recipe. Like I like pork, but eating a pork chop instead of maybe tomorrow we eat a pork burrito gets annoying.

Listener:
That’s beside the point, if you never get what you want then he’s being a nazi
Huh

Me:
I know, and he has all the control because I can’t work right now. So I don’t get to make any decisions.

Listener:
Oh that’s hard
Does he like making you happy

Me:
Yes, and that’s one of the reasons I don’t get mad at him, because he’s passionate about food, so he thinks making me good food will make me happy. What he doesn’t get is, I’m not happy with food the way he is.

Listener:
He’s convinced that he’s doing what makes you happy, even if you’re telling him otherwise

Me:
Yeah

Listener:
I think it’s on the Y chromosome, my ex husband did that
By which I mean
Sounds like he’s applying too much force for something that should be easy

Me:
I’ve tried explaining to him logically by comparing my problem with him to the food problem. Like I said, I clean, he cooks.
But when I expect to clean, I expect chores, like dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom. Not cleaning up after him every time he makes a sandwich.
But he grew up with his mother cleaning everything, so he has a hard time cleaning up after himself.

Listener:
Yikes

Me:
Same with me and quick food.
I grew up on quick food.
He doesn’t see the comparison.

Listener:
But he gets what he’s used to and you don’t

Me:
Exactly.

Listener:
Is it the job thing?
I disagree that you shouldn’t get a vote

Me:
He doesn’t act like I shouldn’t get a vote. He’s always saying he wants me helping to make decisions, but when it comes to food, he doesn’t see that I’m not getting a say.
He thinks that me choosing what I want from his way of cooking is me getting a say.

Listener:
And if you say I want spagettios?

Me:
Then he doesn’t like it. Because it’s not cooking.
It’s his pride in cooking that makes him deaf.
If he were simply to spring something on me that he really enjoyed making, that would be fine. But no, he wants me to choose what he’ll enjoy making.

Listener:
He wants you to participate in making him proud

Me:
Yes. And it’s driving me nuts. I just want to eat so I’m not hungry.
Food is survival to me. Also I love pizza. That’s my definition of food.

Listener:
Will he read this if you show him

Me:
Yes, but he’ll probably get mad that I talked to someone else about our problems.
Which makes no sense, because if in the end, it’s only ever me and him, how are we ever going to hear eachother when he refuses to meet me halfway?

Listener:
Well sounds like he has to make peace with compromise
About something

Me:
I compromised on the cleaning thing with him. I tried making a list on the fridge to help him remember how to clean up after himself in simple things. Rules like “clothes go in the hamper, not on the floor” so he has a reminder. It would be very simple to buy me some spaghettios and make what he wants and see if I like it.

Listener:
I really kinda think you should show him this conversation
You’re making great points
Maybe he doesn’t see how much this affects you

Me:
I make the same points when I talk, that’s the problem.
Perhaps he doesn’t listen when I talk because he’s too busy thinking over his side of things.
I’ll try showing this to him, but like I said, he’ll probably just get mad I talked to someone about our problems.

Listener:
Well
For your sake
Think one minute about
The fact that you’re loved by a husband who believes he’s providing for your best interest (if misguided about it a bit)

The conversation was disconnected at this point. I was going to say that I do know and appreciate that, but I can’t keep going on with this problem. Reasoning with my husband has gotten me nowhere, and I don’t think showing him this conversation will help. If anyone has any opinions or advice, I would love to hear it, preferably from those who have experience with marriage. I did ask this question under the “questions” section, but I got one answer and that answer was I shouldn’t have posted my conversation, which I disagree with as it was totally anonymous and harmless. I decided to post this on a more mainstream part of the site instead. I’m new here, so forgive me for the mistake and double post.

Lady Lionhead said 10 years, 6 months ago:

Thanks for the reply. I really appreciate it. And I think you’re right, I’ll just have to stand my ground on this. I try to be nice because if I’m more aggressive about things with him, he’s one of those people who will just become more stubborn and stop listening entirely, but in the end, I just need to do what I want.

Lady Lionhead said 10 years, 6 months ago:

I eat at regular intervals not regular times. I usually get hungry every five hours. Like if I eat breakfast at 8:30 am, I’ll be hungry again at 1:30 pm, but I don’t always eat breakfast at the same time, because I don’t always wake up at the same time.

Broken 1 said 10 years, 6 months ago:

Your husbands behavior sounds very controlling. Just because you are not working shouldn’t mean you don’t get to make any decisions for your family. Is he controlling in other aspects of your life? He would be hard pressed to find another person who would go along with his food rules. Telling someone what they have to eat just makes them crave the forbidden food even more. Also saying that his mommy cleaned up after him so you have to do the same is insane! So I suppose you do all the dishes after he cooks this food? That is completely unfair! Who wouldn’t love to cook if they didn’t have to clean up the kitchen after? You are not a child. You can decide what you want to eat all by yourself. Maybe you should send him home to his mommy if he needs to be taken care of like a child. Having to leave a note on the fridge reminding him to put his clothes in the hamper is ridiculous. He is not incapable of cleaning up his own messes. He just doesn’t want to. If he considers a can of Spegettios an insult then he is just far to insecure about his ability. He cannot control what food you like. No one can. Cleaning up after another adult and yourself is one thing but once kids come along you are never going to be able to do all of this alone and not be resentful. I don’t mean to sound so harsh but your husband needs to grow up a bit. Real life is not like that. It sounds like he only wants your opinion when it is in his favor. He will never grow up unless you make him. I feel like the problem likely runs deeper then just food in your marriage. A marriage is a living breathing thing. Our lives evolve and routines have to change. I feel like he just wants a maid who will worship his cooking abilities and do as he says the rest of the time. His expectations of you are unrealistic and unfair! A person who is offended by some junk food in their panty has some serious insecurities. Could you be happy for the rest of your life like this? I think he needs a big wake up call. I think your husband is taking advantage of you. You are his wife. Not working does not make you a 2nd class citizen. Tell him to put on his big boy panties and man up. You are entirely too nice about this. It’s time to try something else I think.

Mandy Meister said 10 years, 4 months ago:

What would you consider a compromise in a relationship? My bf and I have been together about 4 months. When we first starting hanging out we would go to dinner, movies, or hang out at his apartment. Once in while we went out to the bar/club and have some drinks. However, I have decided because of certain health concerns and exercise goals that I want to accomplish that I would prefer not to drink alcohol or go to a bar or club. My bf however thinks that I can still go to a bar/club and still have fun if i don’t’ drink. I disagree. He made the comment after we both came home one night after he dragged me to some hillbilly redneck bar that maybe we would be better off being friends.
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relationship compromise

Deleted User said 10 years, 4 months ago:

lol i think you should eat the good food, processed shit and tv diners are going to kill you, listen to your husband on that one, if you hate cleaning hire a maid.
I cant abide with anybody who supports fast food and canned shit, over a partners cooked healthy food and hes a chef/baker too, its so illogical, makes me wonder if the persons totally sane or not, or is just taking things for granted.
Really if you cant control your fast food urges i get that, but when you become fat and lazy when your metabolism dies, ive a feeling youll love the healthy stuff..
Food is about survival yes, which is why you should know exactly what youre putting in your body, instead of some microwave fix that more than likely will kill you, ever heard of diabetes/ cholestrol, it doesnt happen by magic you know?
I think if you hate cleaning split up the duties, make his do the easy stuff, and you do the hard stuff, you wash dishes together!!
But your husbands totally right on the food bit!! Your being totally illogical about the reality of it.