Insightful Zebra said 9 years, 3 months ago:
Hello again, i just wanted to let out a few thoughts that i just have to tell someone. For the last couple years, i had depression and there was no sign of it getting better so i went to the therapist for a couple of weeks so i did go, and i decided to change. I got really focused and i stupidly thought that when i started to get things right, everything else would, but this wasn’t the case. I started to listen to music that didn’t put me down. I started to run on the weekends really early to exercise, i started to go to a dojo to practice karate every day. I got my shit together at my high school and i’ve been doing really well on my grades. Here’s the fucking thing that pisses me off. I’m getting tired of fighting because everyday ends the same way and everything is just gettin worse. I didn’t really consider suicide before because honestly i wasn’t in that bad a state, but recently i started to consider it. Depression is killing me and there’s no sign its ever stopping. I’m really trying everyday, and i’m working my ass off to make this work, but when the day ends, i’m just tired and depressed and back to my toxic fucking home.
But my biggest problem is that i don’t have anything to fight for, not god, i stoppped believing in god a few years ago but no because i was depressed. It just seemed obvious to me. Anyways, i don’t fight for anything, not god, not my friends, not my family because really although i love them, i don’t have that many friends and they’re not really the best friends, they’re just people i happen to talk to sometimes. My family, although i love them, i just want to move out cause my house is toxic and unstable and everyone just doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what’s wrong with my home and with our fucking lives. I don’t have that will to live that i had when i was a kid. I just kind of lost it. I’m not scarred or anything, my depression just got to me because of my ADHD and my anxiety. I’m not just saying i have anxiety because i think so, i’ve had adhd and anxiety since i was a kid when a doctor told my parents. They were more worried about my grades than my mental health so when i started to get good grades, i got off meds for about 3 years when i started middle school, so those 3 years all that anxiety that i thought was gone just came bursting down and hit me hard. I’ve been depressed for about 4 years, and i’ve come to a conclusion that i’m not fighting for anything, i don’t have a purpose, i don’t have a drive to guide me and make stronger. I just do things because i have to but i feel like one of these days, i’m going to give up on life, really. I haven’t hit rock bottom yet, but it feels pretty close to that. I don’t what do, my mind just thinks about everything and fucks everything up. And it just leaves to the conclusion that i don’t know. I don’t know what to do. And i’m tired of thinking, i’m tired of looking for a reason to fight. I don’t have anyone special in my life, and i don’t blame anyone who dislikes me. I’m a hipocritical, selfish, arrogant person, and to top the list, a shitty friend that doesn’t make the effort to keep them. I’m an asshole, and i’m not just saying that because i want people to tell i’m not just to feel better about myself, i really am an asshole. And i’m tired of being an asshole, i’m tired of thinking i’m one, i’m tired of thinking, i’m tired of fighting. And i know every fucking phrase: “don’t give up, it gets better. Fight for what you want and it will come to you. You want something go get it, be strong, think of your family, think of your friends, if he made it why can’t you?” I’m fucking tired of that, i just want to shove a fucking dildo up their fucking throat. I know everyone just wants to help, and i aprecciate it. But believe me, i’ve tried. And i still am trying. It’s just that i’m running out of options, i’m running out of excuses. I really don’t know what was the purpose of writing this down. I guess i just wanted to let it out. Mostly because i’m so fucking pissed and stressed out. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what i’m going to do. Anyways, i’m gonna go to sleep, my favorite part of the day. Have a good night, i really hope you do. Oh and thanks for taking the time to read, you don’t have to reply, just knowing that someone else knows what i’m going through, just makes me feel a little bit better. Anyways, good night.
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