Deleted User said 9 years, 8 months ago:

I don’t know how closely this forum is being followed. I am an older guy (50+), married 14 years with a 12YO daughter. Since April, I have been in a most hidden relationship with someone I work with, indirectly. We work for the same organization, but in different locations. She is married too. We have a huge age gap (24 years), and the whole adultery complication. In addition, we have both expressed love for each other. I have fallen so hard I can’t get up. Most of our time together has consisted of 45 minute lunch breaks where we just hang out together and kiss, feeling like a couple of teenagers on a car date. We did consummate our relationship on one glorious day. She has told me repeatedly that she loves and is in love with her husband (they have three young daughters) and will never leave him. I have not asked her to. She has “broken up” with me twice, over supposed guilt. Each time, she has resumed contact with me which led to face-to-face meetings and more kissing and exchanging of professions of love. Well, she did it again and we are “broken up.” Before you get all judgmental on me, let me finish, ok? As before, after this most recent break up, we resumed emailing immediately and she now claims she wants to be faithful to her husband, but is still telling me she loves me. Last week, she agreed to see me. This was supposed to happen tomorrow. Last Friday, she said some things to me in an email that I just could not ignore. Among other things, she told me that even though she might have “moments of weakness” and see me (and I assume this meant in the carnal sense), she still wanted to be 1000% faithful to her husband. I stewed over this all weekend and wrote a thorough reply to her this morning that ended in a nicely worded ultimatum saying that, basically, we either get as much happiness out of our “relationship” as possible under the circumstances, or we completely walk away, because I can’t take these breakup cycles. I can’t take having my heart broken once every 4 weeks. I also called her a hypocrite because of the whole “I might have moments of weakness, but still want to be faithful” line. Well, her one line response to me was “I choose to completely walk away. Please do not email me again.” We haven’t exchanged any more email today, but I predict I will hear from her before the end of the week.

Now, to the haters and judgers, I want to say that I know I am “morally” in the wrong. I get it and make no excuses for it. I should never have even flirted with this person much less falling in love with her, but it’s done. I have been dealing with the emotional fallout of this since the first “break up.” I am depressed and given to spontaneous bouts of crying when I’m alone. Despite knowing how “wrong” this is, I would get back together with her in a heartbeat. I have never felt so happy and loved as I have with this person. If it was just sex,I know I could walk away, but the thought of not having this person in my life is unbearable. If anyone has any comments I would be happy to read them, but save the hatred and judgments. Thanks!

Deleted User said 9 years, 8 months ago:

@Soft Beast, thanks for your comments. I appreciate them. I have, and am strongly considering my family in this situation–that’s why I’m still married. The ‘girlfriend’ is also married and we are both trying to “do the right thing” here. My main problem is that I am so emotionally invested in this person I can’t let go. Whenever I’m alone, I am just overcome with feelings of loss and sadness over her; it’s just killing me. I don’t know what to do about it (so much so that here I am on this site getting advice from people less than half my age, LOL!). I’m not just going to pack up and leave my family. I have worked too hard for too long to build a nice life and they are certainly not to blame for my behavior. I allowed myself to get into this mess, but I’m here now. I can’t forget, I can’t undo what has been done, and I can’t “turn off” my feelings. We are both messed up, but she seems to be better able to “compartmentalize” emotionally and has me mentally tucked away in a box. I don’t know how much I believe that, but her behavior is consistent in this way. I am so screwed up that I would be (or at least have convinced myself that I would be) happier to just continue seeing her on the down-low so we could both get whatever happiness is possible from our “relationship,” under the circumstances. Socially, this is wrong, but not having her in my life is killing me.

Deleted User said 9 years, 8 months ago:

@rinseandrep, thanks for commenting. You’re right that I can’t talk with anyone about this except her and here on this site. ATM, we are “broken up.” She and her husband have a turbulent relationship. They fight a lot, but they (supposedly) are also passionately in love. This is what she claims, anyway. I’m not worried about him showing up on my doorstep. She has cheated on him before and has told him about it, but those (again, supposedly) were just sex and she claims to love me. She has even called me “the man of her dreams” because of many qualities I have that her husband does not. Again, I know we will never be “together” in the proper sense. Neither of us, really, is willing to walk away from our families. We both have a lot to lose. Having fallen so hard for this woman, however, has brought my feelings for my wife seriously into question in my mind. I am working to hold it together, for both my wife and daughter’s sake, but on the inside I am just miserable. Kind of feel like I am rambling now, so I’ll shut up. Thanks again for your comments.