Malicious said 9 years, 9 months ago:
I’m losing myself again.
This started about a year ago, I met this girl at work let’s just call her Rayleen for now. I thought she was really really cool and I wanted to get to know her and so I did. Thing’s started off really really well we became good friends I trusted her with tings I don’t tell anybody and yet there are things she still to this day doesn’t know… maybe one day I’ll let these things out, but that is not what I am here to say. I guessed she started trusting me to she let me in to see the real her and I wasn’t scared I didn’t turn away, in fact at that moment I think I fell in love for the …second time…, again different story for a different day… anyways I fell in love with Rayleen hard and fast from that moment, but here’s the catch she is a lesbian with type 2 bipolar and depression with a cutting habit eating disorder and was raped…She let me into her life telling me everything about her problems with her current gf at the time and how she didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. I stayed by her side whenever she needed me and to this day I still will at any cost even if it cost myself. Because in my eyes she is worth anything and everything to me. Is it sad? Sure. Am I crazy? Probably. Is it fair? No… Three instences we had together was one day she drank to much and her gf “couldn’t handle her” and stayed oblivious to the whole ordeal. Me on the other hand held her hand rubbed her back held her hair made sure she was warm with a blanket (middle of winter at the time) and I stayed by her side all night. The second instance was when she possibly had alchohal poising, me persanly have exsperiance with this matter sence I’v been through it seen people go through it or something like it. Again her current gf at the time “ couldn’t deal with the drama” and left my house. I stayed bye Rayleen’s side all night I made sure she got it all out okay. Gave her watter. A pillow a blanket. I checked on her every hour to make sure she was still breathing. Along this time this was also when I started regularly bandaging her cut’s and cleaning them. I have a military friend who know’s some simple first aid on the battle field and I know he would be able to keep things confidential and I had him check on her to. The last thing that happened that I will share is the night she almost died. To this day I’m not sure if she really believs that but I know for a fact I almost lost her that night. She told me to leav my room for 30 second’s and finaly she got me to do it. And when I came back litteraly 30 secon’ds she was on the floor in pain. I remember every word she said that night. I rember the two magor cut’s and all the blood I rembeber being able to see her muscle and tendon’s when she tried to move her wrist. I never panicked. I have a long history of playing doctor for different people, I know I should have taken her to the hospital but she would not let me at all. So I did everything I could to keep it clean and bandaged properly in time it healed. She has the small nerve damage because of it today. The next day her gf found out and told her mom and long story short Rayleen was sent to the psychiatric ward in the hospital. When I found out I went to visite her as soon as I possibly could. I even cut work for this. Besied me and her mom and step dad I was the only people who visited her. Her own gf didn’t go see her. Wwell that brings us to recent events of the past few month’s she broke up with her gf and very very soon after Me and Rayleen startred dating. Yes. I am a male. And she is a lesbian. Me personaly was the happiest person I could have ever been in my entire life. I kept thinking that this could be it finaly I will get a break. Someone who love’s me cares about me. I could finaly stop acting so strong and self efficient because this person exsept’s me. The real me. She tore away my mask that I had on almost my entire life. Something I thought I needed. I guesse I was wrong. We started dating on new years of 2014 so I guesse we where together for 6 month’s, man that must be my unlucky number or something it’s always in 6’s, moved in together From almost the start. During this I lost 2 job’s…was unimploy’ed for a good part of our dating. I hate myself for this every day . I hate how weak and pathetic I was . I never wanted her to support me that way. I hated it. Us breaking up feel’s like it’s my fault some day’s . she started to get distant from me. Never wanted to hang out anymore alwys with her friend’s who I feel absoultly unwelcome around because we have the 18 year old pregnant with a fiancé, a guy who is ubsessed with her and constantly was hitting on her, and her psychotic ex gf. What was I supposed to do? If I tried talking to her about me wanting to spend time togher she made me feel like I was being unreasonable. I guesse maybe I was. You see after we started dating I let down my walls on a lot of thing’s, I’m bisexual and I do have a femine side to me. I do get really emotional sometimes. I don’t know why I’v just always been like that. I was able to hide it very very well until I met her. And I think that pushed her away. And I guesse now we have broken up. I feel lost, abandond, alone, un wanted. Some day’s I think I’l be okay. Then I try to sleep and it all unravl’s I think in the past 2 weeks I have gotten a total of maybe 10-15 hr’s of sleep. I’v almost completely stopped eating. I just don’t get hungry anymore and if I do I can’t keep it down. I’v started cutting again. And if I do eat…I perpously…throw it up latter. I’m smoking a lot more now. Both weed and cigerets. I’v been drinking…way more than I need to be. But even through all of this I’m not my concern. I’m worried about her. She told me before how much she wanted to be clean no drinking or smoking weed once she turned 20 and she did that for a while until recently and now she smokes pot all the time. I personaly have no qualms with pot, but with her she seem’s like she’s doing because she feels like she need’s to. It feels like she is hiding something important . it’s not that she needs to tell me anything Im just worried that she is thinking about killing herself again. It’s just this feeling I get some day’s like something is not okay with her. Some day’s I can practicly see the self hatred in her eyes. I keep telling her yes we’er not together anymore but I’m still here. For her and I always will be. I won’t ever judger her, in fact I’l support a lot of things she does, and how she feel’s I still accept her. These feelings I have twards her go past love I think. I honestly have no intreast in anyone else. I find no one else attractive anymore. I tried to watch porn the other day and it all just looked like shit to me, but I still dream about Rayleen . not sexually, well sometimes, but I was never in it for the sex. I don’t care if we ever had sex again if I coul just see her smile. Not these fake smiles she has been using lately but her old really enjoying life at the moment smile. I don’t know what to do anymore. If I loese her. Honestly. I really think it will push me over the edge, because I’m about on the line right now. I’v contemplating scuiside and the only thing stopping me is the thought of leaving her alone in all of this. I forgot to mention that we still live togehr. Sleep in the same bed. It’s tourture some day’s. it’s so hard to not hold her in my arm’s like I used to and scratch her back when she get’s off work and then letting her fall asleep relaxed. She is beautiful in every way in my eyes. I won’t lie and I’l admit that I wish we could date again, but honestly if we don’t I’l be ok with it as long as I know that she is ok, and that I’m still apart of her life in some way. Il tie this up soon because now I’m rambaling, I bout a gun recently, a friend took it away from me.
Thank you for your time,
Malicous
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