Unknown said 10 years, 9 months ago:
I’m personally not a man who is quick to share his own dark secrets on a community. In fact, I’m more of an individual who knows how to figure out every other person’s internal or situational problem but when it comes to myself, I’m clueless. As a victim of a traumatizing childhood, I have always felt different than other people. However, even though, my life was heading in the wrong direction; I did everything within my power to keep the stirring wheel to the right side. With success as I am grateful to still have been alive and running.
Still with the constant ‘fight for survival’, I am not satisfied. Merely because it hasn’t exactly been rewarding to me. Kept taking the Optimist his path only to receive a blow in the stomach in the end. Fought for happiness, I received sadness. Fought for love, I received pain. Why? Manipulation and lies that have even brought me to break in the mental department at a certain moment. It’s always the same. The family that I was supposed to receive love and support from the most, ended up, performing a psychological and physical onslaught onto me.
All of this, has lead to a point that I experienced a certain ‘loss’ of emotions. I cannot recognize such things as ‘love’ or ‘kindness’ anymore. Even though, I show gratitude. It doesn’t come through. I don’t want to make myself out to be some Brad Pitt or Ryan Gosling to all of you but I do have received more than a handful of female attention in the past who complimented me for some of my physical features or my sense of humor. I’ve also received a lot of compliments from other males because I seemed rather inspirational and seemed to show ‘no fear’ in certain situations. It would all be extremely warming to hear for a ‘normal person’ but for me? As much as I do want to feel the smile paint on my face? I feel emptiness.
While I try to be the kindred and caring spirit that I always used to be as a child. Not wanting to hurt a fly. The things that happened to me have created a side of me that is beyond unkind and violent. Manipulative and cunning. Willing to hurt and actually feels satisfied by bringing pain onto others. It’s unforgiving and relentless. As a child, I kept turning the cheek towards people only to get beat up or bullied because I was always kind-of the good kid. If that wasn’t enough. I received the pain from a single father, who put emphasis on ‘strength’. Where would the other part be? The loving and caring mother? She was dead when I was thirteen. I kept all of it, cropped up inside. Not intending to hurt anybody for my own torment. Until I snapped. I realized that people often don’t hear me unless I install fear upon them. It pushed a lot of them away and for some reason, it felt like a ‘protection’. It’s kind-of like Mike Tyson said in his documentary, ‘Once I learned how to fight, I never let people take advantage of me ever again’.
As much as it was a ‘defense mechanism’, a side of me that ‘protected’ me, it has also begun to ‘torture’ me, as of lately. A short fuse combined with a short temper often makes me, lash out at people when I feel disappointed or upset. Or, when I don’t ‘like’ the answers that part from their lips. I do my hardest to contain myself but it is becoming difficult and I have begun to realize that in some form, it has even become mildly ‘abusive’ but I am afraid that it will become more than that if I keep slipping out of control. At the same time, I do not feel guilt or remorse after I have been harsh to somebody. Or, hurt them. In my perspective, as that part has taken over me, I believe that they deserve it.
This loss of ‘empathy’, this own personal ‘dark side’, has hinted many people that have treated or listened to me that I have some tints of sociopathic personality type characteristics. For some part, I appear to the world as a charismatic figure, who seems to have a feeling for charm and seen by many as a man with a confident smile. Always kind and always capable of making others laugh. Others who have come too close or rub me the wrong way, have seen a more conflicted man. Extremely harsh and wanting to break them. Capable of becoming violent too. I also have to admit that when seeing vulnerable people getting hurt, it drives me crazy. For example, I saw a group of teenagers bullying one kid only and I really felt like slaughtering all of them. Fantasies of murdering people who tormented me or others have shown itself, every now and then. It even happens with people who often also show things that remind me of the past, such as somebody who’s extremely sensitive and hurt. I am just happy that I have been capable of keeping control.
The reason that I have posted this, it shows, that I do really want all of it back that I once had. I want to ‘feel’, again. I want to surpress all of the anger and hatred, letting it know that it’s not needed anymore. But I am in fear, in fear of, once more getting hurt and broken. It seems to make like walking on a death row since every time that I have fought for happiness, it has come back to bite me in the butt.
Yet.
At the same time, it is difficult to ‘change’ something that has protected you.
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