pegasus said 11 years ago:

The most difficult part for 31 (almost) 32 yr old married man with a 4 month old baby who has forced himself out of employment in the hope of finding true happiness is to really believe that the decision taken 1.5 years ago to stop working was the right one.

What are we here for? To take birth and quickly throw ourselves in the roller coaster of life, which funnily isn’t much of a roller coaster as it is a hamster wheel. In the very basic form the reason for our existence is to accumulate wealth and as byproduct of doing so educate ourselves, learn the right social etiquette make socially acceptable friends, buy a house and a 2nd and a 3rd one so we can continue to pay the mortgage only to leave it all behind for the children we create. So a lot of money is what the seemingly infinite horizon is all about and beyond that horizon is something mystical and possibly unattainable, because we could spend a few lifetimes getting there.

Is this what really differentiates us from animals? our ability to use our brain to create more wealth to make our lives more comfortable and acquire more tools to acquire more wealth. If we dont subscribe to this philosophy then living would become very unbearable as asking difficult questions about our existence can make this whole life seem pointless. The problem is that for me indulging in self destructive activities with my dark passenger is where I find ultimate peace. Its almost like we are soulmates and we are inseperable and extremely dependent on the other. Me and my dark passenger like to smoke cigarettes, joints, watch porn, pretend we are acceptable in society and just about get by. Because if the point of life is to make money and be wealthy then I feel I have already lost the race as I am so far behind that I dont even feel like participating.

I have tried to get my hands on all the self help stories, self improvement books that I can – but all of them just put nice sounding business school words (optimize, empower, intrinsic values, etc) with charts and venn diagrams that they might as well have been by robots for robots. There isnt a Gandhi or Buddha that walks this world anymore. I desperately want to subscribe to the world and very much be a hamster on the wheel and look upon my possessions with pride and satisfaction and work till the end of the time to keep accumulating and then take leave for some after life recycle bin to be thrown back in this world again – if this hasnt been done a million times already.

The problem is the last time I was there I couldnt fo it anymore so I left in the hope that meeting new people and watching new places would inspire me – EPIC FAIL. Because now I am even more disillusioned than before and I find peace and safety with my dark passenger when I light up that joint when my family sleeps. I feel useless and pathetic for not being able to do the most basic job that I am supposed to do, go to work and bring home some money so I can camouflage with the world and no one will know how useless I am. I believe in positive energy and I believe in the universe, but the place that I am now in is very dark and its almost impossible for positive energy to find its way to me. I am getting in my own way, I hold the key to unlock my life and I just dont want to do it. This life will be over one day and when I have to look back at it, what do I want to see?

I want to stop smoking, I want to be effective, I want to bring happiness to others around me, I want to contribute and above all I want to find true happiness. Will I ever find it, I dont know, but I dont want it to be for lack of trying

(◣_◢)Poet said 11 years ago:

Almost daily do i contemplate disappearing. Just packing a few things and hitting the road, and try to make my way around the world until i figure out why i should continue existing outside of continuing to keep the wheel spinning.

I’ve enjoyed reading your post, and thank you for allowing me to float along your stream of consciousness. I wouldn’t put down the hydro just yet, it seems to be the one thing keeping you aware of the cage man has built for himself. Why did we build it though? Why do we continue to make it bigger and stronger? Are we keeping something out or are we afraid of what happens if we drift in search of the optimum purpose?

I don’t stay within the cage because i’m afraid to fly. I’m afraid to leave because i’m afraid my loved ones won’t fly with me. My ego tells me that i’m not afraid to be alone, but rather that i fear leaving everyone else alone. Whoever they have may leave them, and where will i be? Somewhere too far gone to be there for them. Sometimes i wish we all just took the leap.

(◣_◢)Poet said 11 years ago:

@sugar-girl, what if he found a new way of living that didn’t make him feel like a hamster on a wheel, raised his child in such a way that they don’t go through the same mental turmoil he’s going through due to feeling trapped. Maybe not easy, but definitely not impossible.

(◣_◢)Poet said 11 years ago:

@sugar-girl, you were a dead head? cool. and i do get what you mean, he does have responsibilities to tend to.