Charyou said 10 years, 5 months ago:

I still don’t know if I have breast cancer, my doctor keeps claiming that the hospital hasn’t returned the results from the mammogram almost 3 weeks ago even though they sent me a letter asking me to come back for more tests. Seeing the lump on their computer screen made me feel like maybe everything could be okay, somehow. I was more afraid that it wouldn’t show up, and they’d think it was all in my head, but I’ve been able to feel this lump for over a year and a half now.

I’m scared, and I’m sad, and I’m angry, and depressed. I keep trying to talk to people but nobody ever knows what to say except to insist that I’m “strong”. Strength is a lie. I’m alone, single, no close friends or family. All I have are my dogs. Its hard to think of any reason to even go through chemo or other treatments if it comes to that.

My life thus far has been completely meaningless and empty. No lasting relationships, few friendships, nothing to take pride in. I keep moving forward on the hope that eventually something will happen to make it all worth struggling through but at the back of my mind there is this voice saying “what if you just gave in, what loss would it be?”

Losing someone you love is hard, but being someone who wouldn’t be missed? There are no words to describe how hard that is.