I attend a Catholic school in Australia at the moment and honestly it’s so awful. Especially lately. I had a panic attack after this… I guess it was a flashback or something once. I was honestly so messed up and I was crying and screaming and it was horrible. They told my friend to go away and made me sit alone in a room and yelled at me and then made me go home.
And also they pull me out of classes for tiny holes in my stockings or wearing long sleeves. Today was the worst though.
So the morning wasn’t great. I hadn’t slept well and was running totally off of energy drink. I got to school. And my Pals teacher greeted me by telling me my hair was inappropriate (even though it’s allowed) and that the two holes in my stockings were unacceptable. I went to class though. Worth 30% of my grade.
They took me out anyway and now I’m failing Indonesian. And I had to sit in the office all morning while they yelled at me and called me stupid, blatant and inconsiderate.
Well I went to my second period (science). I was so pissed off though. I was honestly so frustrated that they put something as stupid as image over my education. And it wasn’t the first time either. I was just so over it.
I got into class and this kid in my class has this fucked up obsession with me. He always calls out my name and says he loves me. I just lost it. I walked to the back of the classroom and sat there alone trying SO hard not to cry.
But we got put into groups and sent to our prac tables. I was shaking and dizzy, I needed to leave. So I ran out of the classroom and sat outside. And I started being not able to breathe, I was so dizzy and crying so much by that point. I started getting up and then I fell and I think I blacked out for a moment.
I could hear that same kid talking about me all whiny asking where I was inside and I just couldn’t handle it. I was just done.
I just walked over to the toilets and locked myself in a cubicle and started crying. I was still shaking so bad. And I kept on thinking the worst things. Every bad thing was just attacking me.
I felt bad because I am messing up my friend’s life. Fucking blacked out memories of when my dad used to fuck around with me as a little kid. Horrible and pathetic because I hate the idea of anxiety.
And I just fucking wanted to die. I didn’t have any pills. Or else I would have taken them. I had blades but it was freezing and I didn’t have the energy either. I was walking back up to the office because they said I had to go back and it was the last period before lunch. It was like I was in a dream. I couldn’t walk right and I was dizzy and I couldn’t get a word out of my mouth.
They yelled at me some more and then I wasn’t allowed lunch. I missed half of English cause they called me up again. And then I had to borrow money for the bus off a friend because otherwise the bus driver would have kicked me off the bus.
Turns out they already called my mum and all she said to me is that I’m being rude and if I just followed the rules this wouldn’t happen. I don’t know what to do. I’m just so over it and I just… don’t know what to do.
