I’m afraid that something’s terribly wrong with me.
Over the past years I had several friendship, but not a single one lasted because I somehow grew tired of them and I didn’t even understand why.
I don’t know what it is that makes me treat people I care about so badly.
The conversations (real conversation as well as chat conversations) get repetitive and make me feel uncomfortable. It’s like I can feel everything breaking, slowly but surely. You might say that it’s normal that friends come and go, but in my case it always begins with me getting kind of bored of people and feeling like I’m boring and bothering them, too. On the other hand, I guess I might hurt or disappoint people my weird and possibly not understandable behaviour (ignoring them all of a sudden etc.)
This whole thing has been an issue for several years… but I’m afraid that I might lose a person who means a lot to me. He’s an online friend of mine, we’ve known each other for more than 10 months and usually we get along very well. We have lots of common interests and similar word views. I’m quite sure that I have a crush on him but I’m not sure if he wants us to be more than just friends. We made plans to meet in person next year.
Lately I noticed that I get bored of chatting with him too… and I don’t understand why. I catch myself hoping that he’s not online and making excuses why I wasn’t able to chat with him for a few days. But why am I lying to him, why do I feel uncomfortable while chatting with him all of a sudden, why do I feel so cold and indifferent ? Today I considered telling him that I end our friendship so that I never have to talk with him again, but fortunately I didn’t do it. I guess he likes me and I wouldn’t want to hurt him. Some days I feel like I’m in love with him, he makes my days a lot brighter and I’m so glad that I’m able to make him happy too. But lately… I feel different, at least sometimes… and I regret having started it all, because I’m going to ruin it and hurt him.
I have no idea what to do, and I don’t know what’s happening to me. Please… help me. I feel like a cold-hearted monster.