I have been out of the hospital for a few weeks. Psych hospital. I’ve been in seven times this year, I thnk, well, eleven since the beginning of 2012. Anyways. I dont know, I just feel stuck. Anything I do gets me back in the hospital. I feel like I can’t even express myself with words without going in. It’s happened before where I simply said I wanted to cut, and I had JUST THOUGHTS….but still went in….and my therapist of two years just left the Clinic. And I have court Monday for charges that I’m fortunate not to be charged with. But my case manager says the court will probabaly order me to treatment with the care team. Which is a group of people to make inhome visits each day. Two case managers, a therapist, peer advocate and a nurse…. I really don’t like any of them. I’ve worked with them a whole year and then “fired them” as they say. Anyways, if I have to work with them court ordered…. I’ll freak! I dont know, I just hate myself. It feels like everyone is whipering about me, and laughing and pointing at me. EVERYONE hates me!!!!!!!! I feel like people are plotting to kill me when they talk. I keep having to repeat the things I say and certain actions I do four times to make myself feel better. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and roll my eyes to the back for four to eight seconds. I keep seeing things. Shadows. Symbols. Feeling things crawl all over me. I try to remember to take my medicine, and sometimes I do take it, but other times, I just don’t care b.c I feel it’s not working….I have hard times sleeping b.c I worry about being hurt. I lock my door to my room sometimes b.c I’m scared, but my mom doesn’t like it. I fear people will throw bombs through the window and blow me up….I dont know, please anybody help. I see my doctor(phychiatrist) tomorrow, I had to wait almost a month for this appointment…please, any advice on what to do and what to ask him? PLEASE!!!!????!?!?!?!?
