It’s a fairly vague description, but I’ll go into a bit more detail; I’ve never been very social. I used to get beat up a lot, and I spent a whole year not saying more than a few words per day because I was scared of people. And I mean I was scared of anyone and everyone. I didn’t understand why people hit me so I assumed everyone had it in them. Keeping the whole world at arms length for a year… well it does things to you. I couldn’t speak properly. I got past that fairly quickly but I still have these ideas that never leave my head.
So really there’s maybe 3 things that I literally don’t go five minutes without thinking about one of them. My situation with the people who I consider to be the closest things I have to friends, the thought that I don’t mean anything to anyone and the thought that people exclude me.
These three things are basically the three things that someone could hurt me with. If you touch my friends, I don’t let it go. If you encourage the thought that I’m worthless, I won’t let it go. If you try to make people exclude me, I won’t let it go.
See, the thing is that I think I’m worthless, I feel like people don’t want me around and I’m always scared of that. When people tell me they care, I will always have some idea as to why they don’t, and worse yet I’ll argue the point with them. I argue with the girl I like a lot over this. For context, I know she doesn’t like me and she knows I like her. It’s a long story and a strange situation.
Anyway, I just want to be valued. I want people to want me to be around. I want people to care. I don’t know how to achieve that. I guess it’s really pathetic but that’s what I’m asking for help with here.
