Hi. Lately I’ve been feeling the latest bout of anxiety coming from the idea that I’m going to be alone forever. I’ve gotten really angry at myself because I believe that its my own fault, but I don’t know what to do about it.
I’ve fallen in love with several girls while in high school(that is to say, I developed crushes on them), and this is my Senior year. I always take pride in the girls I fall in love with, because I always know there is something deeply kind about them, and something exceptional about them in another way. But every attempt I make to enter in a relationship always ends in failure, and as much as I try to think that maybe they simply do not want a relationship at that point, I always feel like there is something wrong with me that caused it.
Now, my two best friends are pretty much in relationships. One of them was even one of the girls I and a major crush on and tried to ask out. I wish the best for both of them, but I can’t help but feel jealous, and very alone. And there’s no one I can really talk to about this.
I just really want to show that I can love someone, and know that I can be loved romantically, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act, or what I’m supposed to ask for. I don’t know what is awkward, or what any girl wants. I don’t know if I should be myself, because myself is vulnerable and desperate.
I try to express this through my writing, but this is almost impossible to express since I want to write from a place of strength so I don’t look weak or selfish.
It has even occurred to me that the kind of weakness, and trust I want to show in a relationship is something these girls just don’t want. But then, it could just be that I get to consumed the love I have for someone to communicate properly with them when I try to get into a relationship.
I know this has to be due to things under my own control, but I don’t know what those things are. What can I do to change this?