I am 26. I’ve thought about making love and having sex ever since 5th grade, even going to a private religious school. I had crushes on guys that i was not pretty enough for. All I did was fantasize. I had low self esteem, I think partly due to my Asian dad controlling my life, leaving emotional abusive scars behind such As slapping on the face and never giving me positive feed backs evens when I played piano well or get good grades to please him. I never felt good enough.
I watched porn in secret since junior high in secret. I think it was because I was so lonely. My sisters were more social and smarter than me. I thought about suicide for about 20 years now but never did it. I spoke to my mom and sister about it but they say I am selfish. Growing up, my mom said I do not need any friends. Friends always go so why start. This left me so isolated.
I had sex with a man, whom it love, when I was 24. We still see each other. My dad found a hotel ticket in my car last summer and was furious, finding out that we slept together. He scares me. My mom threw dishes around the house that morning. All I did, not being able to speak up, was let my dad talk to my boyfriend and call it off, saying he’d kill him if he ever step into my life again. I played the role and obeyed them…
Three months later, without contact with the man, I felt so lost. I cried my emotions to my sister, my mom who said they’d always be there for me. However, they can talk forever and ever till I’m drowned in the conversation and my brain is about to explode. They do not understand,
I am still seeing this man, it will be 2.5years now. It’s a secret life I am living, to keep all things at peace and my parents happy. He lives 7 hours away so we skype every day, night and we know each other’s schedule. He comes to see me every other weekend. We are honest and up front about everything. He knows my passion, my desires, my secrets everything I tell him and he listens and understands. He is trying to build me up to be stronger, more independent so I will not have to be confined by my parents. someday though, whatever happens in the dark must come to light and I pray for the strength to say what I want and just walk away from the negativity from my family. I want the strength to not have to argue with them, just to let it go and walk out. I love this man, and I know he loves me to.
My parents, being Asian conservative Catholics, keep on emphasizing sex I a mortal sin……saying that all this man wants is my body and he is raping me. This is not true, we both give each other pleasure and to say the truth, it’s what I always dreamed about. We love each other. We talk about everything together. At the end though we both think it has to be meant to be. We cannot get married with many people hating the fact that we are getting married. I will have to choose, but it’s going to be hard because my family still pampers me and treats me like a baby. I still fear telling them the truth about me, about what I want. Should I tell them? I’m thinking they will find shame in that though.
My family is popular in our community. My dad is a leader in our church community,he is a good speaker. Yet at home he is such a hypocrite, talking about how low people are and no one is as good as he is. Our family looks perfect in the eyes of others but in reality, behind close doors, my family is boring. No showing of love from my mom and dad, no family bonding time, everyone just in their room doing their own thing.
I’m 26 and just moved to San Diego, 5 hours away from mom and dad, yet they still call to seei if I’m at home before 10 and if I’m involved in church, if anything else they see me ruining my future. I’m still weak. I still feel dependent. I want to live my own life.
I dream of my parents dying to make life easier, is something wrong with me? Thanks for reading this and letting me vent tonight
