Okay, I have a long history of abuse when I was a child and escape through my own imagination. I developed a disorder called Delusion Disorder which included literally escaping into my own mind, part of the reason I am able to write so well.
Lately my mum went through another divorce this time with someone I had actually come to love and see as my father- my real one isn’t much of a dad to me. And it pretty much sent me in a tail-spin. We went from hotel to hotel and I kept on hearing so many screaming voices in my head that it got insane and I just tried to drown it out with music. Funny thing is? The voices were all mine. They just tried to get me to believe things and think things and remember things.
Then I started to get panic attacks and see and hear things that were not there. I also think I may have a form of Post Traumatic stress disorder that might have been triggered by the sudden uproot of the family I had grown used to having. I have trouble feeling emotions such as sadness and anger. May sound nice but really it is very confusing for me. Such as when somebody hurts me. I have no idea how to respond. Should I be mad? Is it a big deal? So I usually just let it go.
I also have some blacked out spots in my memory I am now realising. Because any pain I feel deletes itself in my head when I am finished feeling it. I feel so numb all the time.
And I started getting a bit reckless and two days ago I took six cold and flu pills because I wanted to feel depressed again. I missed the feeling.
And then I felt really dizzy and went to hospital. They made me talk to a lot of people but otherwise I was fine and would just see my counsellor more regularly.
I felt so dizzy afterwards though. And I get these blanks in my head where my head just clears, more often now. Also, I am sometimes walking when my feet become heavy and I feel tired. Too nights in a row I was startled just before falling asleep by a tremor running down my spine. Like, shaking.
I have no idea what to do.
