Signs and Symtoms, (hah, I guess lol)
* I hate blank pages, they freak me out so i have to write something on them really quick so they aren’t blank anymore.
* If i plan something, like an outfit or lunch or painting, it has to work. If it doesn’t I either freak out chuck it out.
* My future is like my life. I need the right country, I need the right clothes to go there, the right room before hand and people to come with me.
* I rely on the number of shoes walking past me sometimes or something like that to make decisions for me.
* When i have money in my hand or something, I put it all in order from biggest to smallest.
* If my hair is bad then I am going to have a bad day.
* A page of my story deletes and then I really cannot keep writing for at least a while cause it’s just so freaking urgh, it’s all messed up.
* I can be sort of obsessed with labels sometimes, ideas, words
* I used to have a habit of spelling words out in the air and i still sort of do it sometimes to calm myself down.
* Constantly tapping my foot too, also an outlet for panicking.
* i can’t handle anything i can’t fix or put away.
* I get panic attacks where i can’t breath properly and I’m usally shaking and i dunno, like spasming weirdly or something. I feel really dizzy and fall over sometimes too.
* I replay conversations in my head about a million times finding other meanings for things i said or should have said and i used to be worse about it and have to edit and rewrite anything i was going to say in my head first before i said it out loud.
* When i was younger I’d have to look in the mirror to make sure I wasn’t faking. Faking a smile, faking crying. And even then I wouldn’t fully beleive it. I was just too used to faking that i wasn’t sure what or how much i was faking anymore.
* I beleive in signs and things and I see things sometimes. Like, I saw the car when i was older and my mum was there and there was blood all over me. Like I was seeing the future or something. I’m not sure if i was???
* Black vortexes, I see those a lot
* One time i panicked because i could hear voices outside and footsteps and I hid in the toilet room (cause it’s the smallest) and stayed there until my mum got home.
* I have a special number, 6, for everything. Pills, you take six and something will happen. It’s funny cause it’s true.
* I have blanks and I forget things and fade out in times
* I get confused a lot, so much
* If other people say it enough, my memories will change over an event and I’ll lose how i really felt then.
* I constantly obsess about people dying. How they will. If they have? What i would do if it did happen. Not that i want them to really. I mean, I don’t think too much about wanting or not wanting it to happen. Just what would happen and how i would react.
* I have a weird fear of being shot.
* Sometimes I feel so depressed and down that I honestly can’t hear what people are saying to me or anything. Like I’m in a bubble.
* Mostly when i can’t deal. I recite to myself what someone else would do, and do that.
* I create stories, characters, with personalities so easily adopted to my own. It sometimes weirdly freaks me out when i can’t gather insight into other people’s motives or lives like I’m able to in my stories or in a movie. Weird, I don’t know why i find that so strange.
* Can’t cry. Honestly, I almost never do.
* I have yeah, been into some pretty not great behaviour towards myself but it’s not an addiction because I don’t feel an urge to do anything and I’m not obsessed, I’m more obsessed with the idea that I’m not obsessed, and that’s making me obsessed.
* It’s like, when something bad happens it’s always there. I don’t want to let it go because then my pain wall rises so far I’ll never know when to reach out and ask for help. I don’t know my breaking point. I guess for some people, their breaking point is just death.
