Should I or Shouldn’t I?

I want to break up with my best friend of 10 years and I’m feeling really guilty about it. I just feel like she is a burden in my life. I am the only person she has and she has no one to turn to but I feel like I’m being drained by her needs. It’s almost like we are in a serious relationship and I no longer love her yet I’m still hanging on. A friendship shouldn’t feel like a relationship yet she treats it like we are in one. I can no longer be honest with my feelings with her and I just feel like she leeches on to me too much. I just don’t want to leave her hanging by herself but I feel like she needs to part from me so she can discover other things. She always likes to say that we’ll be together forever and that where ever I go she goes and vice versa. We got into a big argument not to long ago and she said that the song “complicated” by Avril was exactly how she felt about us. I dont know anymore. She’s been through rough times but i feel like our friendship is just to burdensome. I don’t feel that sense of happiness and joy when hanging with her. i feel like i can’t really be myself or express how I feel. Shouldn’t i want to see my best friend everyday and take pictures and just enjoy her presence. Honestly i feel super guilty every time she calls me her best friend because i dont 100% feel that way about her. Like i said, I feel like I’m in a relationship that just needs to end. I lover her but i think we just need to go our separate ways.

please help

Category: Dating & Relationships asked February 25, 2014

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MitchPlz

6 Answers

Just talk to her, be honest. Cutting her off won't help either of you, believe me. I you talk to her about it first you might be able to work things out.

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kylee

Well, I think cutting her off entirely might be a bit drastic. I assume that at one time you wanted to hang out with her and enjoyed it, else you wouldn't label her your "best friend". Like any relationship, friendships also have their highs and lows. For whatever reason, it seems that yours is just set in certain ways now. Take a moment to think about the good things, things you still like about her and those that caused you to bond with her in the first place. Then wonder about what needs to change in order for you to be satisfied with your friendship again.. and then finally be honest about it. You may not feel like you can be, but isn't honesty one of the foundations to any good relationship? In which case you're not the optimal friend right now either. Remember it always takes two.. so unless you communicate your feelings and expectations, you help creating the actual situation. Communicate! You can always still go seperate ways if you can't find a way to work it out in the end.
Oh and: "Shouldn’t i want to see my best friend everyday and take pictures and just enjoy her presence."
I don't think we should see anyone EVERYDAY, unless it's our pet. ;)

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Dani

1. Is there any way you could help her get professional help? It almost sounds as though she needs a counselor and has been using you for that role. It's hard to tell without context, but could she talk with someone at school or a religious center?2. I understand about feeling guilty. Perhaps you should try setting boundaries first before cutting the friendship off completely. I had a friend like that, we knew each other almost a decade, but she constantly needed me and there was almost no reciprocation. Fortunately, I was able to steer her towards the right people to help. You could talk with her first, tell her you want to be friends, but you can't help her with everything anymore. Be specific: "I don't mind driving you to school, but I can't spend three hours afterwards driving you to work and the store."3. Be firm about it. Remind her what you talked about before. If you give in, you are hurting any chance of a continued friendship.4. In the end, if she can't come to terms with the changes, then maybe it is time. You are her friend, and it sounds as though you have been a good one. But if you feel you are making the situation worse by giving her a crutch and not just helping her through, then for her own good you should let go.

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Lauren

You sound as if you're in a state which you regularly wouldn't be in. 10 years is a long time and I don't think you've felt this for the entire duration. Talk to her. Communication is key, she loves you, which is obvious. I can tell you love her too, you just need to straighten out your mind and think what you really do want.

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TheRedKoiFish

Your friend doesn't own you and you're not obliged to communicate with her every day. You could try meeting up a little less often and when you do get together then do something fun. Maybe you could hang out with a group of people and let her feel a part of the group rather than just being there with you (like a group of friends or you could join an activity group). If you're the only person she has to talk to then it sounds like the real problem is that she doesn't have any other friends, so if you can get her to spend more time talking to other people then it might become easier to take your relationship to a more comfortable distance.

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Quiet Island

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You have to embrace the idea that you are not entirely responsible for your friend's well being. It's a heavy burden to give to one's friends, and one we shouldn't impose on them.
There is this good concept, "small doses friend" and they talk about it and about how to change your friendship's dynamic into it here:
http://captainawkward.com/2013/01/02/419-my-friends-jokes-are-the-worst-also-why-do-we-talk-about-ending-friendships-forever-so-much-on-this-blog/
I hope it helps.

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rinseandrep

7,397