Hey all, it’s been awhile since I’ve logged on properly, but things have been really busy but amazing these past few months. I do need some advice though as I am tossing and turning over a relasrelationship issue that I just cannot get my head around. I’ve been seeing this guy since around Christmas 2014. We had known each other about 6months prior but I actually thought he was in a relationship so never pursued anything. Anyway, we started hanging out anf eventually started dating and sleeping together etc. He is absolutely lovely. However when we started seeing each other he told me that before me there was this other woman who he was interested but nothing ever became of it. I didn’t even give it a second thought because it didn’t phase me at all. I had crushes before him too, haha. However today he asked me where I thought our relationship was going. I said I didn’t know, we have only been together a few months and I hadn’t thought about it to be honest. Then he made a weird remark about “do you ever wonder if the grass is greener on the other side?”. It shocked me. I didn’t really understand where the comment came from and so I didn’t really take it seriously. But later when I asked what he meant, he said he had been thinking about this girl he had been interested in before me. Instantly, alarm bells are ringing in my mind. I was in a really unhealthy relationship for a long time a few years ago, and I have put up with men cheating and manipulating me in most my relationships. I promised myself the next time I would not be someone’s second choice, and would never let a man use me or make me feel like that again. Obviously it isn’t at that point yet. And I dont want to blow it out of proportion. But I just get this feeling that he is settling for his second choice. I said this to him only a few hours ago and he replied with “it’s not real though, it’s just a fantasy of a missed opportunity.” again, alarm bells. I’m not stupid. I know that this isn’t okay. But what do I do? We have really connected. And to be honest he is the first man I have enjoyed being with in years. I actually have feelings for him. But at the same time, I refuse to be the girl that ignores the signs and gut feelings until he breaks her heart. Or am I just overacting? He sent me a good night text saying “she means nothing, just a missed opportunity that I can’t help think about. I want to be with you”. what do you guys think?
This is an interesting question without a clear answer. And, really, do you want some random stranger deciding on your love life? Ah, yes, let me, let me!!Relationships can be hard because the head does not always follow the heart. It is difficult for outsiders to know where this guys heart is. It could be he is just as scared as you and wants to keep you back a bit with talk of this other girl. Or, sadly, he could see you as just a convenient girlfriend until he finds someone else (or connects with this wonder woman). What is clear is you are concerned, and this should not be ignored.Too often we get stuck in the either/or way of thinking; "I have to put all myself into this relationship or breakup." I might suggest a middle ground: slow things down a bit, keep those pants on, and see where things go. Get to know him better, let him know you better, before putting all your heart into this romance.
It's important to realize that almost everyine has a past. Who hasn't lost a love and had some regrets or done some "what if" fantasizing? It's part of moving on. If you really like him, you should give him the benefit of the doubt. He wants you to think about your relationship and he's indicated that he's thinking about it too, which isn't a bad thing. He may need to clear his head of those random thoughts in order to concentrate on you. He may also have brought it up to get some idea of what you are thinking. It's a bit cliche, but this could all be solved with some open and honest communication. Let him know that you want to move forward with him and that in order to do that you need to know that the other girl is in the past.
Thanks for your replies guys!
I do understand that everyone has a past and obviously that doesn't bother me. I'm not one of those women that gets jealous of someone's past. It's the fact that he is still considering it, and fantasizing about it. It makes me nervous that I might just be "the next best thing" for now. I'm not jealous, but just worried. I just have a gut feeling I guess, that his heart is elsewhere.
But you're all right. I think I just need to slow things down. I did tell him yesterday that I was concerned about it, but as I said, he just brushed it off as a "fantasy".
Maybe if slow things down and see what happens.
I find him insulting its ok to have fantasies and think about other people but for him to actually bring it up more than once is a warning sign and plus him thinking this means hes not appreciating you. I applaud you for noticing these warning signs, and I think you should tell him life is too fast to regret our mistakes maybe this is crazy but then I would invite the girl over casually and then watch how he responds. Idk this could be terrible advice :) but at least then you would know if its just the "one who got away" syndrome or if he actually holds true feelings for her. Either way I hate that you feel this way every girl deserves a guy who makes her the first priority. Good luck I wish you the best and remember people only value and respect what they know they can lose if they're not careful. Chow and #GIRLPOWER!! :D
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