To those Who read this,
I apologize for bothering you with this qualm. But, I really am for a loss of words.
I’ve started new year, and I guess I am a bit overwhelmed with the amount of classwork I have. I managed to cut it down into manageable pieces, but I can’t help feeling hollow. I mean I’ve been getting the work done;nonetheless, I feel disappointed…
I feel disappointed because there were two classes that I was looking forward to and they are rather lack luster. I mean there are too many side bars, between students and educators, I can’t seem to differentiate between social talk and lecture, and honestly I don’t see the point of speaking when I feel rude for interrupting someone or notice that there are favorites. I feel so frustrated. So, I’ve tried speaking with the educator, and I have managed to find a way that I can participate more effectively in class discussions. Yet, I feel as though it will not work out. I feel like the black lamb, because rather then spend class speculating on a topic I don’t understand, I’d rather compare assigned class articles to other material that I have read (text books, web articles, lectures). I feel as though I may be the nerd or stickler in the bunch, and it’s like I signed up for the course because I felt like I would meet like minded people and enjoy a structured environment-but it’s not really structured.
I feel ripped off…
But, I’m trying to ignore it-the anger, disappointment, and their voices-I mean I tried walking out to catch my breath and meditate. I’ve tried journaling, speaking to the educator, and reading a book during the side-bars, But I can’t tune it out. I feel-and I apologize for the being over theatrical-like I’m in pain. I get hot, and just claustrophobic…even though I’m not in a tight, hot space. I have this incredible urge to run….
But, I’m tired of running, and I don’t want to hurt or restrict someone.
I’m just afraid of failing because I look at things differently, I don’t really maintain a positive presence (either ignored, or scorned when I become vocal), and I feel trapped.
I’m not really a social butterfly, but I love structured academic environments. And Honestly, I would feel so much better if I could talk to someone, without being told that I am messed up or egotistical. But, I haven’t really found that safety and sincerity with someone.
I know that I have to change my communication methods, but I was wondering if in the case of having to be isolated, how may I go about releasing these frustrations in a healthy way?