pregnant, unhappy, confused

1

Hi, I’m 23 and 5 months pregnant. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We don’t have a good relationship anymore. We’re actually more like “stuck” together, although we still care about each other and still say I love you..it’s more like going through the motions to keep the peace yet not get too involved with each other because we don’t really have the interest to kind of thing. Well, that part is more from him- he likes to keep me at a distance, not talk about anything that has to do with our lives or wellbeing or relationship and I guess some guys are like that, yeah, but he never used to be like that. He started playing online video games more and more, drinking more and more, telling me we would finally have a night where we would at least watch a movie together and telling me he wanted to be alone when the time came..stuff like that. We have had a stressful relationship. It’s what people would call co-dependent and has been for about 2 years. We lost our car, apartment, and jobs about 2 years ago, moved in with a family member of his and have been struggling more than usual ever since. During that time we fought all the time and both said and did things we never thought we’d do. I said things I can’t imagine saying to my worst enemy and he’s lost his mind and beat the crap out of me. This whole time, we had nowhere else to go. No break, no family support, no options, nothing. We just had to deal with it. We both have reached points of depression neither one of us really understood before. I’ve been unable to move and even project my voice loud enough for anyone to hear, just could not bring myself to look anyone in the eye or smile. He’s abused alcohol and ended up in the hospital for trying to kill himself. Now, we’re still not employed, staying with his mother (she’s disabled and we’re not supposed to be here) putting all of our money toward her getting a house so that we can stay with her and absolutely miserable, and I don’t know that we would be together if we weren’t trying to make sure the other is able to get back on their feet. The places I’ve gone to get evaluated at won’t treat me or him bc we’re not “a danger to ourselves or others” or hearing voices or anything (they’re free places who only offer help to the most severe cases). I feel horrible about bringing a baby into this world when I can’t even take care of myself. I’m terrified that I won’t be able to provide for my baby or be happy and smiling and set up a happy, healthy atmoshpere for the baby. I cry all the time. If I get myself into the mindset of ‘get over yourself and just shut up’ my mind goes blank and I don’t feel or talk. I can’t handle the stress anymore it’s making me not even know myself anymore and I don’t know how to fix it. I want my baby and I love her already, but this is just a horrible situation to bring a baby into. I know I could look into adoption, but I’m scared of never seeing her and her feeling like I abandoned her or of her getting put into some foster care system. My question: is it selfish to have a baby when you know you’ll love the baby and try your best, but are not positive you can offer her something better than someone else could? Also, if I’m so unsure about about my boyfriend and I, is it more harmful to the baby to have both parents in their life when they don’t have the best relationship or to have one primary parent? Thank you for your advice.

Category: asked March 28, 2013

5 Answers

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I would like to add a simple reply from my personal experience just to give you a simple opinion. Both my parents were severe drug addicts when they had me. My mother died when I was very young, I don't even remember her, but my father managed to sort himself out, and I had the most amazing adventurous childhood, and the thing I remember most of my dad is he was loving, supportive and sensitive, even though he had nothing.I'm not going to pretend you have an easy road ahead of you. But you are in no way doomed. The fact that you recognize the severity of you situation is proof that you are mature enough and willing to deal with it. You're personal relationship is about you and him to decide. But all I want to say is, whatever happens, your child has as good a chance as any to have a good upbringing in this world, my parents were in the same position you were, and even worse. I feel sorry for you that you have a bad relationship, but what comes first is your child, and if you can do that, which I know you can, you will do just fine.
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Hi,I am going to try my best and answer your question. First, i think that all these feelings and doubts you are having about your relationship with your boyfriend, should be confronted. Talk to him. I know, it seems scary, but you don't want to be "stuck" in this relationship if it is only making you miserable and is bringing you down. You deserve to be happy. My whole life, i watched my mother struggle with being in a relationship with a man that was "stuck". To say the least, it was a very unhealthy relationship, and the results heavily affected my life, as well as my other siblings. And has left my mother broken.So please, consider your child first. The man, although without him leaves you vulnerable, will make it worse. Especially with all the baggage. Especially the ALCOHOL! Please, just don't bring that into your daughters life.So talk to him. Be strong, be firm, and get your point across. Cause a man is hard to change once he gets into that kind of habit.Now, do not think it is a selfish thing to have this baby. Every new parent has their doubts on what they can give their child. But sweetie, once you have her, you will fight for her. YOU ARE HER MOTHER. And I hope you fight hard. Just do your best, and don't give up. But if you truly believe that you, her mother, cannot provide, than with an open mind, research your options. And Make sure you are 100% positive about your decision, and your decision doesn't negatively effect her future or yours.So, either fix what you got, and be parents together. Or dump him, and move on. Both are equally as harmful, depending on the influences you will bring into the babies life. But growing up with parents who don't get along, and are confused about the relationship, is literally the worst thing.This road is a long one. And it wont be easy no matter what you choose. But put her first, always. Maybe you will find yourself in her. And that will bring you back to earth.This is upsetting, because i really want you to know how hard it is going to be, but it will be worth it! When you see your daughter grow up, and how happy you will be about the effort you put in.I wish i could give you a hug, and give you chocolate. Watch a funny movie, and cheer you up. *hug*Don't forget to always stay positive, and have a back up plan.I believe you will do what is best for your daughter, and you.
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Wow. I can pretty much relate to almost everything you said. I'm 21 and have two kids with the same guy. When I was pregnant with my first baby I got kicked out of my parents house not because I got pregnant but for other reasons. So I went to live with my babies father at his grandmas. Then both me an my babies dad was back and forth between my parents and his friends house. We finally got are own place after two years. Then 3 months later I found out I was pregnant again Everything was alright still we fought a little more but nothing to bad that we couldn't get through. Then we lost are income had no car or anything so things got a bit more stressful. I started feeling like nothing I did was good enough for him any more. We broke up and I moved back to my moms pregnant and everything. I planned on moving back in with him when his friend moved out in about two weeks. But I went over there about a week later to catch him sleeping in the same bed with another girl. It hurt me so much that he could do that when the day before he came over and told me how much he loved me and wanted me back :(. So then I took my name of housing and just left him. Over the weeks we did nothing but fight. I got slapped pushed dragged out the door everything. And yet I still try to talk to him and wanna work things out but he thinks I don't wanna be with him or anything like that.now its to the point where I don't know what to do if I should keep trying or give up and just talk to him about the kids. Its so hard. An I to thought about adoption with both my kids but couldn't handle the thought of never seeing them again. I think everything will workout for you one way or another. Your baby will be fine there is always a way for everything. Just try to keep your head up. As for me I'm gonna try to find happiness for myself before trying to be with my babies father and even been thinking about couples counseling and hoping they have a free program or something where I live. But I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you your baby's dad and your baby.
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And my and my baby's father have been together for about three and a half years before we broke up so I know it can be hard to walk away from a relationship that has lasted for so long.
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Hello. It's a really terrible situation. I have grown in a family where the parents were together only for the kids, but they were always arguing. After years, I understand that it would be better if they would live separately. This is the truth. However, now my wife is pregnant, and we are really happy, and I hope that we will have a healthy family. The bad part is that she has some strange hiccups. Why hiccups in pregnancy happen? I am a little bit afraid for her.