Hello Taylor, you did the right thing in reaching out.
The pain you are experiencing is cutting very deep, you are obviously eager to be a mother, and the phantom pregnancy must surely have thrown you face-first into baby fever before you realized that it was a false pregnancy. The disappointment is understandable.
That being said. Taylor, your pregnancy was not real, and you need to take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that. You seem to be more willing to think that you miscarried than that you were never pregnant to begin with. It is directly affecting the quality of your life, and it needs to stop. You need to stop yourself.
"What if?" is a powerful question, and it drives mankind to the stars and deep beneath the deepest ocean bed, but it that same question that can wrack a person's heart, and right now it is wracking your heart, and if you are reacting this strongly to a false pregnancy, how will you respond if (the heavens forbid) you suffer a true miscarriage? You need to accept what happened to you for what it was, not for what you wish it could have been. You have your whole life ahead of you and you are still young, you needn't be beating yourself down over a misunderstanding and getting your hopes up. If you're going to be a mother in the future, then you are going to have to be a great deal stronger than that, because your future baby is going to get sick and be miserable, cry his or herself hoarse and scream bloody murder, and sometimes for no reason, and there is going to be nothing comforting about that. The stress you feel now you will not be able to afford to have in the future, especially with the prevalence of Post-Partem Depression in new mothers. Having said all of that, I don't want you to feel shame for the way you've reacted. You have a powerful mothering instinct, and that is okay, but there could be something else going on.
If you are having this much trouble with your emotions, it may be prudent to go see a doctor and have tests run to see if maybe you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. High serotonin levels can make an ordinary bad mood feel like a complete emotional breakdown.
You're going to be okay, Taylor.
If you need someone to talk to, or if you feel like you might hurt yourself or someone else, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifelife at 1-800-273-8255. Their lines are open 24 hours a day.
Please keep in contact and let us know how things go. Never forget that you matter, and you are not alone.
