So the past few years I have been extremely depressed. There is basically no life in me anymore.. I used to be the person who would laugh at everything and want to be around people at all times but I feel like I have no-one and even if I did I have no trust in anyone and only want to be alone. I am 15 (male) and have been bullied throughout my life. One day I just decided to leave the ‘socially accepted’ group I followed round (The didn’t mind me being there, I just knew that the majority hated me for some reason). I thought I’d be happier as a ‘loner’ although people would refer to me as ‘that weird boy’ or whatever, but I was fine with that.
This was in Year 8, I became a loner for a few weeks until another group of people saw me alone and said I should come sit with them. I thought they were just nice enough to not ignore someone on their own, yano? So I sit, and realise the majority of people are girls, there was about 3 boys which made me feel less weird.
The next day I resumed being alone, I din’t want to feel like I was bothering them or anything, but they invited me over again, so I joined. This happened a lot until I sat with them all everyday and I was apart of their ‘group’. I felt happy, like I did belong and was accepted. Anyway, a few months later one of the boys in the group came out gay and was bullied a lot for it, I felt bad about it, I did stick up for him when he was insulted badly, when it was like “oh look the gay boy” in the corridor I just left that to the girls, they were closer to him anyway but if it was bad and I was there I would just say “Leave him alone” etc. This doesn’t make me some sort of hero, the opposite actually – I should have done something but didn’t. The next month the other boy left the group cause he was a smoker and the other girls he hung out with were also smokers, so they preferred to be elsewhere. So it was me, a gay person and a bunch of girls.. You can see why I felt a bit outpaced..
Seen as though I had already left the guys I knew I couldn’t just go back, and because I had already made friends with the other people, it would be rude of me, seen as thought I was a loser.
Well time passed and then I was constantly called “gay boy” and “faggot” etc. It was every day basically. It sorta stopped the next year, which was year 10. (My current year)
At this point, the girls who were my closest friends really turned to bitches, you know how teenage girls are haha, well it was incredibly bad, well IS incredibly bad as this is still going on now. As soon as one of them leaves they would immediately insult them and just be plain horrible. I didn’t like it. (They are MUCH worse than I am explaining, its just I realise how much I have written already)
Well going back a few years, I liked the thought of self harming in year 7 and 8 and would do it with scissors, only scratches and stuff, not bad maybe like one bled.
I got over it and carried on with school, until year 9 when I started for real. I used a pencil sharpener blade to do it, and I loved it. At first.
I would do it on my wrist, all up my arm and sometimes on my legs, I didn’t worry about anyone seeing cause I had loads of long sleeved t-shirts. But my p.e teachers decided to change the rules on the kit we had to wear (there was a blue long sleeved or white short sleeved) and we got told we aren’t allowed to wear the blue long sleeved anymore, which would expose my arms. I panicked and realised I could just wear my hoody, until my p.e teacher told me to take it off which was when I started panicking.. I went into the changing rooms and other p.e teachers told me to go into the hall (where the other p.e teacher was) I said “In a minute” trying to think of what to do, I tried to get out but the two teachers blocked me, and presumed that I self-harmed. She said “I know why you don’t want to take your hoody off, its because you self harm don’t you”. She said that in the hall, in front of EVERYBODY. I don’t know how many people heard but she didn’t make the effort to whisper.
I denied everything but she blew it over asif to say “yeah lie all you want I know your secret”
Cause when you think about it, you can’t deny it, the proof is on your body for everyone to see.
I totally missed out a part whoops lol.
There was another girl who wasn’t in the group I was, no-one in there liked her for some reason, I don’t know why, she is really nice and caring, probably because she was better looking than some in there.
Well we were in Geography and it was the first time I self harmed in about a year, so I took my jumper off without realising that my almost healed cuts were still visible. She said (whispering) “Whats this?”. I went silent for the rest of the lesson.
In a way I was kinda glad she found out as she has had depression in the past and used to self harm, I thought it could really help with someone knowing.
I told her my story of why I do it (I won’t bore you)
and she totally accepted me and said I had her full support. I was closer friends with someone in the other group, she advised me that I tell her, (she didn’t make me she just advised). Well so I did. I sent her a huge paragraph on Facebook explaining everything and she replied with a small paragraph that went something like this:
“OMG I had no idea! I hope you are okay:(((( I’m always here if you need me x”
Yeah, thanks for that ‘friend’. If someone popped up to me sending what I sent I would send a bloody book back saying how much I cared about them and how much I would support them etc.
The next day my friend asked to see my cuts, which I thought was weird but I was like um, okay then (I didn’t really want to show her but she was adamant on seeing) She said the usual like “It looks sore” etc.
Then somehow my other friend found out whom is my closest friends’ closest friend. She bombarded me with accusations like “I know you do it” I denied everything obviously. But then she said “Show me your arms then” Which I thought was the most evil thing you could ever say. I mean if you had suspicions that someone self-harmed then for one you wouldn’t just ask them, you would wait for them to tell you, if they wanted to. Plus you wouldn’t want to put them in the situation of showing their wrists to prove they don’t self harm, because obviously if they don’t show their arms then they do self harm.
Well I didn’t want her to think I was some sort of attention seeker so I told her the story as well, she hugged me, but I definitely didn’t want her to know.
Time went by and one day it was extremely hot and everyone had their jumper off, except me. I tried so hard to deny it was hot and say “oh, not me, I’m just right, not too hot or too cold” Yeah well that day was about the 5th day of me being super depressed for no reason, and I was feeling extra lousy and awful, I put my head on the desk and nearly fell asleep. Then a guy started calling me a depressed emo for some reason, he kept saying stuff like: “oh, ****’s an emo, he’s gonna kill himself lol” over and over and over I looked back up to see my ‘friends’ saying “get up hahahaha, and we’ve drank all your drink” knowing fine well it was boiling and I was de-hydrating, I mean who would do that anyway, urgh.
Well anyway, I just stormed out of the classroom and broke into tears, I tried my hardest not to cry but I did. My friend came out and hugged me, I refused to go back into the classroom and said I want to go home, so I wen’t to reception to say I was ill. So they asked me to wait, until I was called in. This female teacher called me in and asked me what the problem was, and I said I have a headache and feel sick. She said “are you sure it’s not some bitchy teenagers?” Well she was right there, I don’t know how she found out but ahh well. She got me talking and tried to get the truth out of me. The was a child psychologist but not a very sly one. I mean most of them get the truth out of you without you knowing, but I knew fine well what she was doing and I hated it. I forgot how, but the subject got onto me being upset all the time and she said something like “Well is it a danger to you” and I just started crying uncontrollably so I could deny it, so I said “yes” blah blah stupid conversations. She made it so obvious, she just kept staring at my wrists. She said that she would have to tell my parents and I said tell them what? Cause she knew I hadn’t confirmed that I self harm that she could throw around accusations, well she could say that I’m a risk to myself of something I guess but I don’t know.. Well I convinced her that I would sit down with my mother and talk to her, which didn’t happen. I stopped doing it then and waited for it to heal, just in case she did tell my parents. They didn’t ask me about anything so I’m not sure if they’ve been told or what..
Missed something else out whoops. I won’t bore you. Basically I started smoking for a few months, then I stopped, the end.
I tried to much to stop cutting but I couldn’t, I started doing it primarily on my legs but I missed doing it on my wrists to much, but I knew I couldn’t.
Then I faced a crappy situation of my current friendship group. I was friends with two faced evil horrible people who were meanest to their closest friends, me included. No doubt they’ve bitched about me self harming, they would go there, they are that horrible. I want to leave them so bad you don’t even understand, but they know my biggest secret and if I leave them they will most likely spread it which will end up with me being a social target.
Recently the boys have been talking to me again asking me to hang out with them which I really want, but I’ve adapted to being around girls and its really changed my life, I look at boys in a different way as if I’m attracted to them, I still feel like I’m attracted to women but I don’t know if I’m kidding myself of what. I do find boys attractive and I hate that about myself (I don’t mean to offend any gay people). I think I am gay but I have no idea, I know its a difficult time, I mean I’m 15 for gods sake, all I want to do is fit in and be accepted. I look at lads in movies with their bestfriend, drinking and talking about girls, that all I want, I wan’t my life to be like that but that will never happen. Everyone around me is very open about their sexuality but I’m not, if a lad says “How fit is she” I don’t know how to respond, I panic. I’ve been called “a-sexual” by one of my closest friends. I feel so alone, I have no-one.
I hate that I feel like this because I have a nice house, with parents who love me. My brothers are nearly the same age but the age difference between me and them is about 7 years, which could mean that I was a mistake, but I don’t know, the might of wanted another.
When I see people on Facebook in a relationship I just feel depressed and alone. I’m unattractive and a loser, I have never kissed a girl. I have had girlfriends but that was when I was young, so they really don’t count. I’ve never been in a serious relationship and everyone around me is in one, most of them have lost their virginity and having a great life, they all go out and socialise drink on the weekends sometimes, and have fun. Me on the other hand, I wake up at about 1pm on weekends and sit on my laptop/xbox all day.
When I see people’s “coming out” videos and stuff it makes me feel suicidal. I’ve denied being gay my whole life and if I am gay I do want to kill myself, I don’t deal with pressure well at all. I’m not saying its wrong to be gay, I am all for gay marriage etc. I respect them for who they are, I just have fought my whole life saying I’m not, and for me to turn around and say that I am gay is just social suicide for me. I’ve only just stopped being bullied, I don’t want to go through it again, plus I feel like my family would be disappointed in me and think of me as different and weird.
I have had loads of suicidal thoughts this year, of how I would do it, how people would react, what my suicide note would say, etc. I have committed suicide in my dreams loads of times, hanging myself, jumping off a building, overdosing etc.
I don’t know I’ve just been stressed out loads extra recently.. I’m in the middle of doing my GCSE’s and I’m really bad, I’m scared I’m going to fail (I’m well aware this is normal and I’m not the only one)
I know no-one has read this the whole way through, I just enjoyed writing it down.
Well, um bye
