Since I was born I’ve been abused. My dad had a mental disorder and beat my mum and my siblings. My mum often told me that my dad hated me mostly because I look like him. I didn’t pick up any of my mums traits (brown skin, brown eyes, black hair, short, ect.) and ended looking almost like a female version of him. So, as you can imagine, I was often beat like a bad dog. It wasnt any better when I got to school either. I was beat up, people threw rocks at me, teased, severely bullied and a complete outcast. Home wasnt much of a safe haven to I would often wonder the street (the town I lived in was a shithole of a town too). Often, I would visit aunty, who lived a bit away from us, but she was beaten by her boyfriend and to make matters worse, she was more of a crack head then my mum. She smoked, took acid, ecstasy and was a suicidal, depressed, drunkard, anorexic, lunatic who relied on my mum to support her three kids. I (including my sis and bro) was often surrounded by drugs, drinking and basically unhealthy and unfit parents. I often drank a lot, hardly ate (my dad forced fed me) and my sister smoked. My mum was a drug dealer and we were all basically unhappy. My dad decided he wanted some time of some moved up to Queensland but decided he wanted to take us with him, mum declined and they got into a(nother) huge fight. After a huge amount of crap inbetween he came back after a month or so accusing my mum of cheating and being pregnant (even though he was) so he stated punching her stomach and whacking her head against the wall. Horrifying enough, I only found out she acctully was at the time a year ago. When I was 12 he decided to kill himself, he hung himself from our clothes line and we found him early in the morning when we antes to play outside.
However, most of this isn’t really the problem. My question is wether or not I’m acting out. My mum asked me this (or rather told) a while ago and I got choked up. I’m asking this because i fear my youngest sister (10) childhood. I don’t want her to end up like me or go down the same path I am. I just glad she was born a year or so after my dads death so she hardly remembers anything. Anyway, she’s the mirror image of me (or my dad depending on how you look at it) and I hate her, but I don’t. Everytime I see her in my eyes she’s done something wrong or she’s going to and I hate it. I want to cry when I yell at her but hurt myself when I don’t. I hate that she looks like me and I hate that she almost acts like me, I hate that she’s mucking up in school (she’s been expelled from 3 schools) and she still has the awdasity to act like a smartass though she can’t count past 20 and can barley write her own name.
My mum talk to me about it one night and said I need to stop fucking up all the time and I need to leave her alone. Even though most of the time she’s actually in the wrong most of the time because she can get away with it. She bullies our youngest brother and if I speak up I get in trouble.
Asking this now I’m crying a little so I’m sorry if there’s any mistakes.
There’s a lot of details I’ve let out in the story but could you call this acting out and of so how do I stop it? I want to be a better sister and someone she can look up to, not someone she despises. Please help me become a better person and hopefully a better sister.
