My boyfriend rejects sex from me…


My boyfriend (30yrs) and I (22yrs) have been dating for just over 14 months. Our relationship began with so much spark and with him unable to keep his hands off of me. We used to have sex multiple times every time we saw eachother, which was often because we spent the night at eachother’s quite often. We used to have sex in fun places and do crazy things! Now it’s totally different.
For AT LEAST the last nine months, my boyfriend has denied sex from me. When we do have sex, it’s not very enjoyable and now I have things I can and cannot do (when that was NEVER a thing before). On top of that, I can’t remember that last time we had sex and he finished, which has effected my self confidence and I believe his too. I try my hardest to get him to notice me and to turn him on, but when I try to get frisky with him, he’ll say something like “that tickles, don’t touch me” or “don’t do that, I don’t want you touching me like that.” I have told him that I want to be touched more and that I need foreplay and sexual interactions. I tried giving him head to make him reciprocate, but one of the last times I did it he said to me “I’ll get you back next time.” I don’t remember the last time he went down on me. I feel disgusting and ugly, I have become very insecure and lack self esteem.
In the beginning, I never thought one thing about him thinking of other girls or worried about him watching po.rn, because it just never crossed my mind. I was getting the attention I needed. Now it destroys me emotionally when I think or even know when he’s watching po.rn or even a movie that has naked women in it. He recently told me that watching po.rn and jerking it is a lot different than having sex with me. That there are different emotions involved. Also that he watches porn to look at the boobs and butts. That really made me feel good about myself…not. We are currently fighting because he watched the movie “Spring Breakers” which when just googling it looks to be a movie that revolves around attractive naked girls and sex. His response to me getting mad at him watching it was “I wasn’t watching it for the girls, if I wanted to look at naked girls wouldn’t I just watch po.rn?” The movie might not actually revolve around girls and sex, but the naked girls in the movies are meant to be lusted over, not just looked past. I’m not okay with po.rn or movies that contain strong sexual content. Honestly the nudity wouldn’t be a problem to me if he payed attention to his real life and looked at me. My self confidence has been so destroyed to the fact that I feel sick to my stomach when we go out for lunch because all I think he’s doing is checking out other girls (which I’ve caught him doing within the past few months). I used to be such a confident and independent female, but now I feel like I rely on him to have a future. That he’s the only person that will want to date me. I know I’m attractive and have a great personality. I have so much going for me. And I know that I shouldn’t be so insecure because of the fact that I do have so much going for me. But I just can’t help to feel that feeling of rejection and feeling of my stomach in a knot when we’re around other girls or watching stuff with girls. I just feel like this whole experience has destroyed me emotionally and psychologically.
Another point: my boyfriend has noticeably gained weight since we’ve been dating. I always thought maybe the reason he rejected sex from me was because he has low self esteem and/or had a tough time with running out of breathe when we did have sex. I tell him all the time own sexy and attractive he is, but that doesn’t help anything. But when I try to look back and remember when or why the rejection started, I can’t come up with any answer.
At this point, we are both fed up with the arguement that we have on multiple occasions. He can’t seem so see my point-of-view and vise versa. We want to fix things, but I believe the only way to do that now is by going to a counselor (he doesn’t want to go though). There have been other problems in our relationship that I didn’t mention, but the rejection of sex is the biggest problem and I think has hurt me to the point that I don’t think I can get better without counseling.
Advice? Thoughts? Opinions? Clinical advice?

Category: Tags: asked October 22, 2013

4 Answers

The fact that he watches porn, nudity and checks out other girls is disrespectful to you, especially if he knows that you don't like it and it hurts you. It would be disrespectful even if it didn't bother you.
You said that the biggest problem you two have is the sex, but I kind of disagree. I think it's a symptom of the problem. It sounds like he has some issues going on that he is not sharing with you, so don't take his loss of interest personally.
Now, I don't know what these other problems are but I think they are probably just as important. You two obviously have some things that need to be worked out. Let him know exactly how important fixing this is to you. Tell him that you really care about him and are concerned with his recent behavior. If he won't go to counseling, you can always go alone.
If he doesn't agree to work on your problems, though, you're going to have to put your foot down. It's not good for you to be with someone who lusts after other women and won't stop watching porn when it's obviously hurting you. It will be hard, but leaving him is probably the best thing to do IF he is going to continue like this and refuse to work on it. You don't deserve to be disrespected and don't put up with it.
Realize, though, that if you guys are having problems, you carry some of the blame so there are things you should work on well. Be honest with him and tell him that you need him to be honest with you. If your relationship is going to work, you both need to be honest with each other.
To me, it sounds very likely that his weight gain may have contributed to his disinterest in sex. Well I suppose he's not completely disinterested if he's watching porn. I'm not sure why he would be so disinterested in having sex with his own girlfriend, but he may feel ashamed of the fact that you're not as satisfied as you used to be. Most guys probably would see that as a reflection of how good they are in bed.
I think the most dangerous part about him watching porn is that pornography creates an ideal sexual situation (which rarely happens). He's already not living up to his real-life expectations so now he's mentally setting the bar even higher, and my guess is that watching porn may satisfy a short term sexual urge, but it probably makes him feel even worse in comparison to what he's able to do. You both need to have an open conversation about your sex life, what you like, what you don't like, what you think needs to change, or changes that have happened that you DO like (if there are any). He may feel pressured having the conversation in the first place, so make sure that it's clear that his behavior makes you "feel" a certain way, but that you understand that's probably not how he means for you to feel.
As far as him ogling other women, it probably is related to how much he's been watching porn. Men who watch porn regularly tend to objectify women a lot more than men who don't. Porn is based entirely on specific body parts sometimes, it's no wonder men start to objectify those parts on all women. This should also be part of your conversation, you're right that your insecurities about your appearance and self worth are irrational, but you need to let him know that his behavior is affecting your self perception and self esteem.I hope this helps a bit! Good luck!
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There's only one solution to your problem: Spice up your sex life, try doing different things like old times. Also try building up each other's confidence. Work out together which could possibly lead to shower sex. Try and be sexy for him, but don't force it. I hope this helps.
Remember, no man will refuse sex for no good reason. It seems to me that he has erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction is really a very serious problem and it bothered so many !!! The fact is that according to statistics it can be said that a quarter of all men in the world suffer from erectile dysfunction and it is very difficult to get rid of this shit !!! My dad also came across this and first tried to be treated with home remedies, but there was no effect. Then he decided to just buy viagra tablets from an online pharmacy which he found out on the forum. We were all in shock when he really dealt with it. Yes, the pills really helped and besides, they had almost no side effects!