My boyfriend (30yrs) and I (22yrs) have been dating for just over 14 months. Our relationship began with so much spark and with him unable to keep his hands off of me. We used to have sex multiple times every time we saw eachother, which was often because we spent the night at eachother’s quite often. We used to have sex in fun places and do crazy things! Now it’s totally different.
For AT LEAST the last nine months, my boyfriend has denied sex from me. When we do have sex, it’s not very enjoyable and now I have things I can and cannot do (when that was NEVER a thing before). On top of that, I can’t remember that last time we had sex and he finished, which has effected my self confidence and I believe his too. I try my hardest to get him to notice me and to turn him on, but when I try to get frisky with him, he’ll say something like “that tickles, don’t touch me” or “don’t do that, I don’t want you touching me like that.” I have told him that I want to be touched more and that I need foreplay and sexual interactions. I tried giving him head to make him reciprocate, but one of the last times I did it he said to me “I’ll get you back next time.” I don’t remember the last time he went down on me. I feel disgusting and ugly, I have become very insecure and lack self esteem.
In the beginning, I never thought one thing about him thinking of other girls or worried about him watching po.rn, because it just never crossed my mind. I was getting the attention I needed. Now it destroys me emotionally when I think or even know when he’s watching po.rn or even a movie that has naked women in it. He recently told me that watching po.rn and jerking it is a lot different than having sex with me. That there are different emotions involved. Also that he watches porn to look at the boobs and butts. That really made me feel good about myself…not. We are currently fighting because he watched the movie “Spring Breakers” which when just googling it looks to be a movie that revolves around attractive naked girls and sex. His response to me getting mad at him watching it was “I wasn’t watching it for the girls, if I wanted to look at naked girls wouldn’t I just watch po.rn?” The movie might not actually revolve around girls and sex, but the naked girls in the movies are meant to be lusted over, not just looked past. I’m not okay with po.rn or movies that contain strong sexual content. Honestly the nudity wouldn’t be a problem to me if he payed attention to his real life and looked at me. My self confidence has been so destroyed to the fact that I feel sick to my stomach when we go out for lunch because all I think he’s doing is checking out other girls (which I’ve caught him doing within the past few months). I used to be such a confident and independent female, but now I feel like I rely on him to have a future. That he’s the only person that will want to date me. I know I’m attractive and have a great personality. I have so much going for me. And I know that I shouldn’t be so insecure because of the fact that I do have so much going for me. But I just can’t help to feel that feeling of rejection and feeling of my stomach in a knot when we’re around other girls or watching stuff with girls. I just feel like this whole experience has destroyed me emotionally and psychologically.
Another point: my boyfriend has noticeably gained weight since we’ve been dating. I always thought maybe the reason he rejected sex from me was because he has low self esteem and/or had a tough time with running out of breathe when we did have sex. I tell him all the time own sexy and attractive he is, but that doesn’t help anything. But when I try to look back and remember when or why the rejection started, I can’t come up with any answer.
At this point, we are both fed up with the arguement that we have on multiple occasions. He can’t seem so see my point-of-view and vise versa. We want to fix things, but I believe the only way to do that now is by going to a counselor (he doesn’t want to go though). There have been other problems in our relationship that I didn’t mention, but the rejection of sex is the biggest problem and I think has hurt me to the point that I don’t think I can get better without counseling.
Advice? Thoughts? Opinions? Clinical advice?