I lost my Grandpa in 2011 when I was 11 years old and I think that is where it started heading downhill. I’ve gotten bullied for awhile, it started in third grade about my weight and my looks but it never really bothered me until I reached 5th grade. I started maturing and realizing that what they are saying hurts but I believed them but only slightly. Then this boy asked me to date him and I said yes and we dated for about 6 months until he told me he couldn’t do it anymore and how it was just a dare and everything. I didn’t date anyone after that.. then Middle school hit and I didn’t take it to kind. 6th grade made me very unhappy. I got called a pig and fat almost everyday by my closest friends.. It killed me. then 7th grade hit and everything slowed down and it was okay until summer hit. I got a lot of hate for looking the way I do and that is the first time I decided to cut myself. I did it on my one wrist and hid it with sweatshirts but my mom wasn’t to sure about it because it was the summer, it was hot out and there was no point for a sweatshirt.. so then I started to cover my wrist up with bracelets and she didn’t think of anything. Then I felt worse so when my cuts healed and the scars faded I cut myself on my other wrist and hid them with bracelets and when they healed I cut on my other wrist again and then the other one. That summer was horrible.. that is when I officially started hating myself to the point where I didn’t think I should even be here anymore because I would make the people who hate seeing me happy. I took a few pills but that was it.. I didn’t try to commit suicide or anything but I just kept feeling that way. Then 8th grade came and well it wasn’t bad.. I guess. But I still hated myself.. I hated the fact that I struggle with my weight.. and my height.. and that I struggle with making friends and all my flaws. I hated the fact that I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. The day it turned to 2014 I couldn’t take it.. I needed to cut again so I decided to cut where no one would ever see, so I decided to cut on my left upper thigh. I made 7 kinda deep cuts.. well deep enough to bleed and leave dark scars. Then I decided to make matching ones on my other thigh.. but since then I met this one kid and he became my best friend. No one really liked him and I understood why because he was rude but once I really got to know him them I realized that he is amazing and sweet but no one would understand that because be closes himself up a lot. He got really close and he told me about him cutting himself but I’ve known that because he has really dark scars on his arm that won’t go away. There are three of them and everyday at lunch I would always look at them and trace them and he would just watch me. I sooner told him that I cut myself too and he got really upset.. and at that point I had a HUGE crush on him.. So I made him promise me that he wouldn’t ever hurt himself like that again and he said yes as long as I did too and of course I said yes. I checked every day at school, like on his arms and he’s been keeping his promise.. but my hate for myself only got worse.. but I started talking to this kid and we found out that we have a lot in common.. I started to have a tiny crush on him and he had one on me too.. So on march 9th he asked me to be his girlfriend and of course I said yes. He was so fucking sweet and I loved him.. I truly loved him.. but a week after me and him started dating my best friend (the one I had a crush on) decided to tell me he liked me.. and it confused me a lot.. because I’ve liked him for awhile but I had a boyfriend.. so I told him I use to like him but I was sating someone.. I really got to know my boyfriend and he was like my best friend.. my everything. Every month that passed I would write him letters saying how much I loved him.. but as me and him where dating me and my best friend.. we kinda flirted back and forth.. I knew he liked me a lot and it killed me to watch him be hurt by not being with me.. But me and my boyfriend got closer and closer and I got him to write me a letter and it was the best thing ever. We went on this field trip together for 3 days to Washington D.C and he bought me a necklace and I wore it everyday from then.. my boyfriends best friend kept telling me all the things he would say about me like how I am beautiful and how he loves me and wants to marry me and everything and I really thought we were going to last… I mean he is my only true love and I didn’t want to lose him at all.. The say summer started I lost the only Grandparent I had left.. My grandmother died.. It was really hard and I needed my boyfriend the most but “he wasn’t getting my messages” and when I finally got in touch with him and yelled at me and told me that I was ignoring him and that he was mad at me.. like I really needed to hear that when I just lost my grandmother.. I was depressed.. I didn’t know who to talk to.. I needed my boyfriend.. That is when I found out that on June 21 he asked another girl out and was cheating on me with her.. I decided to break up with him on June 30th and we haven’t talked since then.. We broke up 10 days before out 4 month annaversary** by that point I was broken and I wanted to cry but I put on a brave face in front of everyone and I said it was whatever.. but inside I wanted to scream and cry and kinda kill myself..but I didn’t.. I needed to stay strong and not cut myself because of my promise to my best friend.. Now I’ve realized that I may love my ex but I actually love my best friend.. I always have and I know I always will and We tell each other that we love each other but nothing seriously I think.. I know he means it but I didn’t realize I did. But lately I know I can’t be strong anymore and I’ve lost myself awhile ago.. and I can’t find myself. I don’t even know if I want to find myself anymore because I don’t even know what the use is anymore. about 3 or 4 day ago I broke that promise.. he doesn’t know. I cut myself 47 times on my left thigh again.. some just scratches but others cuts that have bleed.. they are healing slowly but not much. I know I still hate myself.. and I’m scared that if I tell my best friend he’ll leave me and I can’t lose him.. I can’t deal with it. I don’t want him to leave.. I haven’t told my mom anything or my dad.. they fight a lot but not a lot.. it’s like my dad can never be happy.. and I feel bad for him. But what about me… I made an instagram and I followed my softball team and other people.. every picture I post I put a depressing quote with it and it’s how I feel and this one girl on my softball team.. shes older than me I guess the quotes bother her and everything.. I’m bi, I’ve never dated a girl btw.. but I talked to this girl during practice and my face turns red when I talk to her.. but my face turns red when I talk to anyone that I don’t live with and when I get called on and everything it just happens.. but she wants to know but I don’t want to tell her what the real reason is because.. I mean she is really pretty and sweet and I kinda have a tiny crush on her but her girlfriend is like one my my best friends in softball and I could never do that.. but whatever. I’m really lost and don’t know what to do.. I feel like I have depression because I get sad for no reason sometimes and I get stuck like that.. it’s like drowning and watching everyone else live.. It’s kinda like torture.. I think I have social anxiety too but I’d never tell my mom any of this because I don’t feel comfortable.. and what if she gets disappointed in me even more? I can’t deal with that either.. I just can’t deal with any of this.. I really don’t know what to do..
