I moved from the United States to teach at a Christian private school in Indonesia about 3 years ago. Since then I have experienced very heavy depression near constantly. At first I thought it was just culture shock and I would get over it. My first year, my headmaster was very emotionally abusive and destroyed my self concept. He had me thinking that I was mentally unstable and a danger to myself simply because I was depressed and lonely and wrote poems about it. I was sent to an Indonesian therapist and it made matters worse. Psychology is still very much in the past here and the Islamic culture frowns on therapy.
I moved to a different school out in the mountains thinking it would help and my second year was slightly better if not still extremely difficult. The other foreigners here are in families and spend most time to themselves. I work near 12 hours days every week day. I still could breath a bit better and thought things would improve.
Now Im on my third year and it is the last in my contract. Im currently seriously dating another American from here and I feel the same if not worse then I did my first year. I still feel so foreign and the culture is so opposite me (very superficial and extroverted while I am introverted and intrapersonal). My job keeps dumping more and more work on me without giving me any raise or extra work time. My girlfriend works at a different school and absolutely loves it here and I feel so incredibly guilty because I want to leave so bad and she wants to follow. I was planning on proposing to her in a few months but now Im very scared that I will just make her unhappy by taking her away from here.
My question is, is there a good solution to this? I cannot find a therapist here and Im so tired of dumping on my girlfriend. She is a happy person who is normally very positive and I feel like Im just bringing her down. She loves talking to me everyday but all I do its mope and be upset. I hate what I am but I cant quit. If I leave my job I get forced out of the country and I have to pay back the school my years salary (ugly contract). I long to return to university and work on my PhD in Theology but I want to make sure Im not just running from my problems. I understand if no one can help with this.
