It’s no mystery for me, I’ve been living with depression and anxiety as far back as I can remember, so long in fact that it’s just become a part of who I am. My depression followed me into adulthood, I had always hoped it would eventually fade away but it never has, it just changed when I changed. When I was a teenager, I wasn’t very social I was withdrawn, and I spent a lot of time alone, of course no one gave it a second thought I was a teenager after all. I used to hurt myself back then, I was too young to realize how horrible and risky it was, as I got older I began to see that it wasn’t healthy and I eventually stopped all together. Side note I’ve never ever had thoughts of suicide (this isn’t that type of depressed.)
That was five years ago, fast forward to now, I’m twenty three and haven’t self-harmed or wanted to in 5 years and still don’t to this second (the thought of being that person again repulses me) Great right? Instead I’ve sunk in to the deep darkness of my mind and let it take over, I’ve ruined countless relationships, got myself into debt up too my eyeballs, dropped out of one college, started another and got kicked out. Currently I’m back in college but barely hanging on. I’m engaged but, if my relationship ended tomorrow I wouldn’t be upset, I’d be happy, I would be able to be alone. I have a job but I routinely miss work, it takes a lot out me to go and deal with people for hours, it’s hard enough just to make a trip to the store for groceries. These days my depression isn’t the only shadow that plagues my mind, anxiety is also there.
Getting to the point of all of this Meds don’t help me, I have a weak stomach and I don’t know that therapy is the right answer it would just be another thing for me to avoid. I need help overpowering my depression and anxiety and learning how to silence them enough so I can want to finish school, want to fix my relationship, want to go to work, want to leave my house. If anyone has any suggestions on how to gut up and find some willpower I would love to hear it, I’m losing the chemical battle that’s raging in my brain.
