My friend (H) recently had his birthday. He’s celebrating it a little late. Basically he put together a multi-party with another friend I’ve hung out with a few times over the last couple of months(M), and with another person who we went to HS with(L) – who have also had birthdays lately. An event was put together on facebook, about a week ago. Blah blah blah. Today I call a friend who was going to grab a ride to the party with me and find out that the party is canceled. It was going to be thrown at the L’s. Didn’t get an explanation but that doesn’t really concern me. He tells me that he’s trying to see about renting a hotel. (Going to split cost between everyone who goes, 8-12 people. Cool, I tell him I’m down. Right now I’m in quite a financial pinch and he said he could cover me. Fuck yeah! He’s a good friend. He’s more than generous, although he may be so for his own ego. Shown through remarks here and there. But not excessively. This isn’t the point though. Let me say there have been communication problems throughout our relationship multiple times – from both sides. Don’t want to sound arrogant but more than not I believe it’s of his doing. Let me specify. He is very steadfast, unless you are more so.
I’m going to back up. Today was my second day at my new job ( irrelevant ), but my shift started at 6am. I was up before 5. The night before I got no more than four hours of sleep. Yes, I should have made more time to sleep knowing the day ahead of me to come. This is long but I’m not going to go into THAT much detail. Heh heh. So I worked til 2pm, then went to my other job putting books away – which is surprisingly more tiring than one would assume! It was a special event day at the library so we close an hour early and clear all the furniture out of a decently large room. Then we set up chairs, speakers, tape cords for fire regulations.. You break a sweat, or I did. My hair is 5-6 inches and it was damp. Keep in mind this is after one 7.5 hour shift, then another 2/3 hours of the next. I like to get work done quicker than not, I push through. Also I’m the youngest, most agile and spry. I’d like to think I carry a little more than I’m expected.
The new job I got is at Starbucks. If anyone can relate, it can get pretty damn hot in there. Today it was raining hard, still is. In the morning, around 8 the windows were covered partially with condensation – about halfway. By then I already could feel the sweat rolling down my temples, my neck. Hours later, at 12, we have the HS school rush. It’s raining, who in Timbuktu doesn’t want a hot drink? So by 12, for about 4-5 hours I’ve been, non-stop, walking around the store completing tasks, over and over again. I’m tired. Then they begin to flock. More likely than not the maximum occupancy was reached. For 30 minutes there’s a line to the door. Take in mind I am in training so I am being exposed to all aspects of the job. For this period of time I was on the oven. Opening, closing, opening, closing. I’m not just breaking a sweat, I’m breaking a stream. Well a trickling one. I’m wiping my forehead, neck, yadi yadi yada. I feel extremely hot. My point here is I’ve been working my ass off. And right before the rush I sweep and mop behind the register, by myself. Never having done it before, only seeing it done once for a few moments. I really don’t mind doing it by myself. It’s that I’m just fucking working my ass OFF. So that ends, the customers slow down and I get to relax. Then I get off and proceed to shower, eat, prep for later. I have an hour. It’s not much – enough time to prepare so I have to rush, but not extremely so.
Back to relevance, I know H is really excited to hang out; to party. I want to go, but I don’t also. I’m beat. So I tell him I’m interested. Let’s make it happen. Were playing phone tag. I want to find out where, when, all the little shit – can we smoke in the room?, 10 people in a hotel room?, etc.
I go to a meeting for an hour, come home, and hit him up. The thing is is I am tired, and likely to be semi-anti-social. If I go where am I gonna sleep? Everyone’s spending the night. I don’t want to sleep on the floor, I need some rest. If I do go, people are going to be up, be loud, making noise. What if the hotel kicks us out? Doesn’t seem far-fetched. So I think maybe I can go for a little bit, but what? To say hello? It’s pouring outside. I have horrible vision. I can’t even identify someone saying hey from across the street. Night driving is bad already, but in the rain? When I hit him up I ask him what’s the plan. Being self-deceiving. I’m only making it worse; why don’t I just tear the band-aid off? So I tell him. He’s passive aggressive. “Dude it’s whatever I don’t care.” Then goes on to say dude that speech I gave you doesn’t mean anything? He didn’t give me a speech. He said something along the lines of you’re my homie, I want you here, I can cover you 20$. I feel He wants to evoke a reaction out of me. Guilt me into coming. I’m not the only friend of his who feels that he does it. So we make plans to hang out tomorrow and I told him I’ll make it up to him. How, I don’t know. I don’t have much to give except me. Ideas?
I know it’s his birthday, he’s turning 20. I know I should have told him from the first time we spoke today that I’m not sure about my attendance. I know it means something to him. Family is important to him. I don’t want to let him down. So I tell myself maybe I’ll say fuck it and go anyway, maybe he’ll convince me. I’m not asking how I should feel about this, whether I feel guilty ( Which I do slightly ), but how he tries to guilt me, to have power over me, lifts that weight off. And I know that (Possibly) he’s coming from a place of insecurity. Exact insecurity.. I don’t know. Maybe I should communicate all of this to him but I feel like he needs to give, just as I do. Relationships are a two way street. That’s too vague. I wasn’t this exact. I told him about my lack of sleep and working all day. I don’t want to have to be, I want [it] to be understood without a complete explanation. So maybe I have some questions I have to ask myself – some questions that I’m beginning to get closer to.
I’d like to add that over the course of the past couple years we would make plans to hangout and I’d flake occasionally, and decide not to go out, or join him. Partly due to my wallowing in self-pity and my cyclical thoughts. A lack of joy. Lastly my twin, who was also friends with him, and other friends have talked about the possibility of him being a sociopath. Yes, ridiculous. But it could be there. I’m not qualified but I’ve read up on sociopathy. Maybe were just projecting.
Thank you if you took the time to read this, or even half. I really appreciate it even if you don’t make any comments. Thank you.
