School finally blew up. I was in class and I couldn’t handle it anymore so I had to leave. I ran out and I went to the bathroom and I stayed there. I didn’t listen to music or go on my computer. My hands were shaking and I was just losing my will for everything.
And so they found me after a while. I hadn’t been smart about ditching class like I usually am. I just crashed. So I didn’t talk to them. They told me to sit in the office and I sat on the floor beside the wardrobe and I didn’t cry but I kept on shaking and sobbing a bit.
I did not talk to them once. Not until I got the chance to run out of the office and over to my friend and hug her. I just needed that. I felt awful and I needed my friend. But they pulled me back and yelled at me, obviously. I do understand that I guess.
So my mum showed up and they said they were going to suspend me. But instead they told me that they were going to try and be “understanding” and they told me I was not allowed back in school without a mental health evaluation and some coping mechanisms.
I didn’t realise how bad it was. I got home and didn’t leave my bed for the next day or so until my mum came in around three in the afternoon the next day and told me that I can only see my counsellor in the next month so I’d fall behind in school and probably just end up repeating the year.
That’s maybe the worst thing ever. I realise that I’ve made some bad choices but I never realised that this would happen. Moving schools was really my idea because I’d be so much better if I just moved.
I gathered all my homework to do tomorrow and the day after that I can talk to the teachers and try and figure something else out. I’m scared.
I start work at IGA on Saturday and Sunday from 9AM- 2PM though and my friend Tracy told me to come over to her place on Friday. Her idea is to drink alcohol and smoke weed. I have never ever done drugs. Holy shit. I just feel like I’m falling into a well or something.
Sleeping pills…. they’re not going to help me. My stupid ideas are selfish and fading out or running away is never going to help but I’m just losing hope and if this all falls apart then I’ll have nothing else…