I’m making a lot of bad choices


School finally blew up. I was in class and I couldn’t handle it anymore so I had to leave. I ran out and I went to the bathroom and I stayed there. I didn’t listen to music or go on my computer. My hands were shaking and I was just losing my will for everything.
And so they found me after a while. I hadn’t been smart about ditching class like I usually am. I just crashed. So I didn’t talk to them. They told me to sit in the office and I sat on the floor beside the wardrobe and I didn’t cry but I kept on shaking and sobbing a bit.
I did not talk to them once. Not until I got the chance to run out of the office and over to my friend and hug her. I just needed that. I felt awful and I needed my friend. But they pulled me back and yelled at me, obviously. I do understand that I guess.
So my mum showed up and they said they were going to suspend me. But instead they told me that they were going to try and be “understanding” and they told me I was not allowed back in school without a mental health evaluation and some coping mechanisms.
I didn’t realise how bad it was. I got home and didn’t leave my bed for the next day or so until my mum came in around three in the afternoon the next day and told me that I can only see my counsellor in the next month so I’d fall behind in school and probably just end up repeating the year.
That’s maybe the worst thing ever. I realise that I’ve made some bad choices but I never realised that this would happen. Moving schools was really my idea because I’d be so much better if I just moved.
I gathered all my homework to do tomorrow and the day after that I can talk to the teachers and try and figure something else out. I’m scared.
I start work at IGA on Saturday and Sunday from 9AM- 2PM though and my friend Tracy told me to come over to her place on Friday. Her idea is to drink alcohol and smoke weed. I have never ever done drugs. Holy shit. I just feel like I’m falling into a well or something.
Sleeping pills…. they’re not going to help me. My stupid ideas are selfish and fading out or running away is never going to help but I’m just losing hope and if this all falls apart then I’ll have nothing else…

Category: asked August 12, 2014

1 Answer

Maybe you do have some "fault" in other things, but I don't think you can take the blame for having a panic attack in school. I am in a similar situation and sometimes I really feel awful too but I guess the thing is, life goes on. You know that feeling when everything is going wrong that time has just stopped and you won't be able to get out of this cycle? It's there to trick us and inprision us. It's there to keep us stuck in our misery so we can never recover. But you can. Right now, just focus on what you can do to get out of this bad place, and think carefully about every choice you make - will this make it better or worse? If you repeat the year, you won't be jumping up and down from happiness, but it's alright. You have a lot of time, and those people who say that time is "too short" are just making you live your life in a hush, never stoping to evaluate situations and never stopping to make long-term decisions that would be beneficial to you. Just stop and take a breath, alright? Things will fall into place eventually, they always do. If you need anything, just message me, ok?