I have had an eating disorder for the past 5 years, it’s taken over every part of my mind, but I’ve said I’m fine for so long that I’m scared no one will believe me or help me, on the other hand I can’t lose this I love seeing my bones and the hunger. Its destroying me, my family, my boyfriend and my friends. I no longer have a personality, I want to recover for them but not me.
You wont successfully recover unless you're doing it for you. You should look into treatment centers or maybe local groups or programs rather than trying to do it on your own. It's easier to go through the healing process around people who know exactly what it's like. I wish you the best of luck from one person struggling from an ed to another. And don't forget, do it for you.
First thing first, you can go to as many doctors and therapists etc as you want.
But if you don't want to be helped, you are not gonna be helped cause you have the mindset that things are not gonna work out for you. This is completely normal i believe, people tend to get defensive when doing stuff they are not used to.
But as said, getting help will only work if you want to get help.
As for believing people will not believe you is also quite normal, but trust me, people lie all the time about how they are feeling, cause they don't wanna look "weak" when it's quite the opposite, it's really brave coming out to others with your problems. I would suggest starting out with you close friends, boyfriend etc, the people you trust and love. Tell them how you are feeling and that you might need to go see someone. I know it will work out.
You have a personality like everyone else, you say you wanna recover because of your family and friends. that means you are very thoughtful and worry about other people, that's great traits in personalities and i look for those qualities in people :D.
Now you are saying you don't wanna recover if it was not for your friends etc.
tbh i understand where you come from. feeling not good enough etc. it's all quite terrible and a depressing mindset to have but sadly many have it. What i would do is thinking optimistic about things. maybe work out and feel beautiful that way. Talk with others who have an ED and ask them what they do and how they cope with the extreme feelings an ED brings with you.
imho it's all about stepping up to your fears and beat them to the ground, it's scary at first but with most things, we see how not scary it really was when we have reached that milestone. And coming on here and asking for help is the first step, and i wanna make an applause for that. you deserve it :D.