I need advice! Any and everyone please chime in!

I am 19 soon to be twenty and I am blessed with a lot of gifts. I once read a saying that read “The more genius you are the more tormented your soul will be.” I cannot help but think this true. Though I have been described by many as highly intelligent, blessed, gifted, and a creative genius; I also have many afflictions.

The most recent one that has been on my mind is that involving love and relationships. I have a habit of fancying men older then myself. I have had sex, relationships, and involvement with men anywhere from 2-15 years older than me. I do not doubt this is a result of me being sexually molested at 5 by a older boy that lived in the same neighborhood. The two relationships I have had with men were 2-4 years older than me and lasted longer than 8 months generally. Overall I have a distrust to cisgender heterosexual males and it is leading to me not wanting to use them for anything but sex. I am pansexual and so this part of my past is leading me to not desire this small group of the human population as much.

I have an addiction to sex, in my opinion. I will place myself in situations where I always have a sexual partner available should I want it. I do not know why this is something I do. I think it is for intimacy that I do not get from normal social interactions.

As my name suggests I am am introvert. I see the world differently than everyone else. I do not fit in and damn well I do not because I wouldn’t want to. I see the beauty in everything, and I feel like not enough people look for it in everything. With that being said I am very selective of those I will allow to be a part if my life. If you are a bigot, sexist, racist, or any of those undesirable traits I will immediately rule you out of my circle of potential friends. This being said a lot of people do not understand me and they think I am rude or disrespectful or snobby. They take my silence in social situations as me being stuck up. When all it means is if you are just throwing meaningless words in the wind the room would be better filled with silence.

I spend a lot of time in my head and I love to be there but times like these when my head gets so full of negative thoughts and I cannot bear to sit in silence because the noise in my brain is so overwhelming make me need to write my feelings. So here it is.

Also I am looking to fancy woman and though I see them all as beautiful creatures none seem to fancy me back.

Please tell me your thoughts on all of this! Thank you for takin the time to reply!!

Much love!

Category: Dating & Relationships Tags: LGBT asked March 12, 2014

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Beautifully introverted

3 Answers

2 accepted

You certainly have a lot going on. Maybe more than we can help you with in this type of forum.
But based on your descriptions, it appears that you are seeking physical relationships to fill the void created by the lack of healthy emotional relationships. Using people for your physical pleasures just because you might fancy them could explain the rejection you have been experiencing, and perhaps the lack of trust that you feel.
As a bright person, you have a lot of positive qualities to offer when making friends and forming relationships. I strongly recommend that you use your mind to create meaningful friendships and relationships. And if you need need help with that, seek the advice of people that know how to help you. When you create postitive relationships, beautiful intimacy will follow.

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BillsBrother

681

The thing about addictions is that they are very telling: a person does not seek something they do not think they need. In your case, you maintain a ready source of very specific sex at your disposal. It gives you something you feel that you need. So your personal analysis may be correct; you are most likely compensating for a childhood lack of fatherly affection, or perhaps there is an aspect to the interaction with older men that is fundamentally comforting or empowering for you.

As for your social skills, you seem to have the basic woes of any introvert, but you appear to handle it well, seeing as introversion is still bafflingly misunderstood by the general populace in spite of being widely addressed. There is nothing wrong with your silent observation, you aren't spiting people or turning your nose up at them, so anyone's opinion of your silence is irrelevant.

You have a great knack for personal analysis, and it appears to have served you well. You haven't reported neglecting your life in the pursuit of sex, so it is possible that you aren't "addicted" to sex and you just have a healthy sex drive. You're even looking to branch your experience out. That is a sign of ambition and motivation.

Apart from your childhood sexual trauma, I may not pick you out of a crowd as being anything but well-adjusted, going on your own description of yourself.

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Humanist Hope

16,417

Both BillsBrother and Jonathan have said basically everything there is to say. I would just like to add a little bit though.
I would suggest seeing a therapist for your past sexual abuse if you haven't already. (Also I wouldn't worry too much if the dude you're dating is 2-4 years older than you, cross culturally women prefer men ~3 years older than them according to psychological studies).
I would also suggest that instead of completely cutting people out, for admittedly undesirable characteristics, that you accept that not everyone has the same upbringing. Not everyone has access to the same education. Many people that are discriminatory in one way or another are like that because of misinformation. Have you considered trying to educate them? Or show them some facts/statistics at least.
I think that's all I have to say for now. I hope it helps.

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punky

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