I might be developing an eating disorder?


Hi, I’m 17. Thanks for reading. So this whole thing started back in December. I had gotten really sick a week before Christmas and was diagnosed with pneumonia. I barely ate anything for a week and a half, and when I came back to school and basketball, my coach had said it looked like I lost 20 pounds. That comment made me feel really good. So I started restricting a couple days. But, when Christmas came, I just ate whatever. Afterwards I felt so fat and ridiculous, so one morning I literally woke up with a new mindset that I wouldn’t eat much. I started restricting to less than 1,000 calories a day, and cut out certain foods that I used to love. I started weighing myself constantly, and my mood depends on whether the number on the scale goes up or not. My friends started getting suspicious of my eating habits, and talked some sense into me, so I stopped. I started eating healthy but sort of normal and I played basketball so the workout part was taken care of. But recently, these thoughts have consumed me, and I’m back to restricting. I’m constantly thinking about food, what I’m going to eat, when, how I will avoid this meal, how I make it look like I’m eating more. When I do eat, I have thoughts about purging, but I haven’t done it because I know that’s a hard habit to break. My friends don’t notice that I eat a little at lunch, because I just pack a full lunch and eat one thing from it all lunch period and talk a lot. Last time, I was too obvious, but this time, I know how to hide it. I feel like if I’m skinny, I’ll finally be happy. People will actually like me. I’ll finally love myself. I finally won’t have to cry myself to sleep over how disgusting and worthless I am. Being skinny equals happiness. I lost over 15 pounds so far, (and I didn’t gain any back at all when I ate normally) and I won’t attempt to maintain my weight until I reach my goal, which is about 40 pounds away. I can feel my clothes getting bigger, I can feel bones I never felt before, I can see my bones become more defined, but it’s not enough. I’m still fat as ever. I know I’m at a “normal” weight for my height but really, its not, I look gross. I am pretty sure I am too fat to have an eating disorder, but the way I feel towards food and myself kind of concern me sometimes. I want to be skinny, but I’m afraid I’m losing myself in the process.

Category: Tags: asked February 13, 2015

1 Answer

Hello xXBeautifulScarsxX I hope you're doing all right. I can imagine how upset and unsure you must feel about your weight and how you are reacting to eating at the moment. I'm 29 but have suffered from eating disorders for over 15 years after becoming anorexic when I was 14. At the moment your perception of your body has become distorted. You may see yourself differently to how others see them or you might see yourself as you are but be very perfectionist towards the things you eat, how much you eat them and how you should look. The best thing you could possibly do for yourself right now is to talk to an adult or friend that you can completely trust. If you talk to a friend, that friend will most likely be able to find an adult they trust to help you. If you talk to an adult it could be your school counsellor, a parent, a relative, a teacher or even someone you don't see every day but would feel comfortable confiding with. Either way, your goal at the moment is to tell someone what you have written here and work on returning to a healthier perspective on your weight and eating habits. If you try talking to someone and they don't respond in a mature manner and don't try and help you properly, find another close friend or adult who will listen to you. Don't worry. You can get through this. If you do not reach out for help now the eating disorder will literally eat away at your body. My own body, after fifteen years, is not the healthy body of a 29 year old woman. My skin is thin like paper and is always dry and lifeless. If I wear makeup I look ten years older because I need to use so much foundation but if I don't wear makeup I looked 20 years older because my skin was void of nutrition growing up from my eating disorder. Many of my joints, my knees, wrists, ankles, click, painfully at times. My immune system is so shot that I can't eat a lot of foods because it makes me physically sick. I have never purged through making myself throw up because like you, I understand it is a very addictive behaviour. But this doesn't make things any better because I still have starved myself through restriction, worn my body through over exercising and binged large amounts of food because I have starved myself so long. That's only the start of it too. I am constantly sick and eating is no longer a happy part of life like it is for so many people. Food and eating is a wonderful experience and a very expressive part of life. Don't give it up for a disorder that gives you the illusion of control that doesn't exist in life. How thin you are has no relation to how pretty you are. Being healthy, not obsessing about any one thing, being in the company of great friends and wonderful family and dreaming about all the things you want to do in life are what should take up most of your time. When you're older, you'll naturally look into healthier eating and exercise or sports that you want to try out. But right now, you should be with friends and have fun. Enjoy food when you have it, forget about it other times when you have better things to do with your friends/family. You’ll blossom into someone unique and beautiful that you’ll learn to recognise one day in that mirror. Trust that you will because it's only natural that you do. I believe that you can be better and free from your current addiction. You posted here because you trust yourself to make the smarter decisions in life and reach for help when you've lost your way a little. Good luck.