I Love My Mom, But She’s Hard To Handle. Help?


My mother does have serious health conditions, but sometimes I feel she uses them against my siblings and me In order to get what she wants or justify her behavior. I am currently pregnant with my first child, and have realized something else my mother does I never noticed before: She lies and lies. Just today she said she “took a cab to the doctors, because no one can give her a ride”. My mother has something called medical transportation, which provides free rides to clinics and doctors. I called medical transportation and they said they picked her up and dropped her off back home. That is just one example of the millions of lies she says.

I live at home and help out as much as I can financially, housework wise and other ways to lessen the burden. Yet still she complains I do nothing, and left a note saying she needs me to do “favors for her, that’s how I can help her” She gives me back my money, but still complains about how little money she gets.

I don’t know anymore If I am overreacting to her, but I feel like I am suffocating and every time I talk about moving out with my fiancée… she says we can’t make it or blames my fiancée for me wanting to move out. When siblings and me get mad at her she goes into her, “I am better off dead, no one cares about, none of my children will care if I died ” mode.

She raised us as a single mom, after being with an abusive husband, and that must had been hard. I understand she did the best she could, and I am thankful. But I don’t think I can raise a child in a house with her and I feel stuck and don’t know what to do.

Category: Tags: asked March 9, 2015

3 Answers

I agree with MysteriousChildSB and maybe you shoukd try to work things out with her. Tell her how you feel but also understand that if you move in with your fiancee, she will miss you and feel alone. The only reason she's creating lies is probably is so she could be around you. I mean like when you were young you've probably asked for your moms helps a lot and sometimes lie. Just try to understand her:)
I'm not sure if your mother knows how to live with people without being a 'victim'. Since no one is actually treating her badly right now she is simply making things up to make you feel guilty and more importantly, so that she herself can feel like a victim. Children learn from their environment. No child should grow up exposed to this kind of behavior, as you already know. That small being is the one who needs your protection and guidance, the one you are ultimately responsible for. Your child is your priority.
Whatever happens to the relationship with your mother, you must know that your mother made her own decisions and you're not the one who should be paying for their consequences.
I would advise you to move away and also to slightly detach yourself emotionally from your mother - to 'cut the cord'. The goal of parenthood is to raise children into independent adults. Holding them back from that is not in their best interest and therefore not right. You need to do what is right for you and what will provide a good environment for your new family.
Good luck!
PS: I'm not trying to be insensitive towards your mother's past experiences. However, those don't make her current behavior any more acceptable or less damaging. Whether she's prepared to change it or not is ultimately up to her. The fact is that no one can force people to change. They only change when they themselves decide to do it and commit to it.
It seems like you seriously should work out things with her. But first, try and put yourself into her situation. If you could figure out a reason (other than her health condition) why she is acting this way, it may clear things out for you and better prepare a good argument to present. I undertsant it is important for you to get space and gain control while still keeping her well cared for. Just don't forget to mention how important it is for you to be able to decide for yourself without her and her lies getting in your way and making you miserable. But also mention that no matter how independent you grow, she will always get attention and love from you, as many compulsive liars are just extreme attention seekers. Good luck!