I felt dead inside for a very long time

I am sorry you're going through such a difficult times. I personally suffered from depression for a long time and have contemplated ending it many times. I suffered for a long time and tried everything to change. I tried for years and kept failing. i felt as if I had this mountain to climb that was beyond my reach. Suffering became so unbearable that one day I just thought to myself. I am siting here in this chair and the only thing that's wrong is my mindset about the situation. I let my self or my silly brain talk me into all kinds of crazy dark places and yet I am sitting in a chair and eating an amazing sandwich. I realized something that day, it's not my life that was the problem but the way I looked at it and the way i looked at myself. There is nothing real beyond the exact moment that you are in. You don't need to change the past it's already gone and nothing can be done. You can't change the future as it's really an illusion you can't possibly know what tomorrow will bring so why bother thinking about it. All you have is right now and if you do your best each moment you have future will automatically improve itself. Just observe your brain and what it tells you, I can pretty much guarantee you that it doesn't tell you anything good! One of my favorite sayings is "if you change the way you look at things the things you are looking at will change. I wish you look and please know that you are a beautiful person inside and out and you were born with nothing but love inside of you. Until society labeled you as something they wanted you knew nothing but love and joy. Observe what your mind does and change the attitude I guarantee you every other aspect of your life will change beyond your wildest dreams!

You truly are not alone in this feeling. I have been through a similar period, as many people on this site, I'm sure, have as well. First of all, I just want to say that we're here for you! Expressing yourself on the internet can be a very healthy and comfortable thing to do. It's hard to start making improvements when you jet feel numb.Mindset is half the battle. Choose one aspect of your life that you wish to change. Perhaps something small at first. Focus on it. Think about what you want to change and why. It can be very overwhelming to make positive change when you feel so stuck and trapped in your own life, or when so many things aren't going your way that you feel overwhelmed. Pick something. You want to be healthier? Incorporate small things into your routine that will slowly add up to a change.Believe it or not, but it seems that you are taking small steps to change your life. Your spoke of feeling alone... Well, now you are turning to a community of supportive people who can talk to you and assist you. That is a step. I'm proud of you. It's hard to notice at times, but truly everyone around us (even those who seem perfect, bubbly, and never sad) is facing their own battle. Reach out to these people - in the internet and in real life - and you might be surprised how many people have similar thoughts and experiences. Help and friendship comes in surprising forms. Do not let the pain of a situation make you hopeless. You are growing and learning through the worst experiences; experience and growth is what you get when your plans don't go as you'd imagined. Don't let it paralyze you.