Whenever people pay even the slightest bit of attention to me or start getting close I freak out and push them away because I don’t want them to see what a piece of shit I am. Yet whenever they go away I want them back. Whenever anyone pays attention to me who I am not used to I think its a part of a sick joke. I don’t want to live but I am too afraid to kill myself. I get upset when I wake up because life is a joke. I say this but then beat myself up in my mind because I have lovely friends and a lovely family and a roof over my head and everything I could want- which makes me hate myself even more because why should I be so ungrateful when I want so much? But everyday when I wake up I feel a pang of sadness because I was having a much better time asleep. I don’t know what to do anymore because when I see passing cars the thought of stepping out in front of them crosses my mind but then I think of how inconsiderate I am being even though I contradict my thoughts by thinking that nobody truly cares about me and I only exist but do not belong. I do not understand myself at all.
