I don’t know if I’m overreacting.

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I haven’t spoken to one of my friends in just about two weeks. The reason is because I’m really starting to question whether or not I still want to be friends with her, but the thing is, I’m starting to think I’m overreacting.

We have been friends for just about two years, now, and we are talking constantly. She’s one of my closest friends and if I had “best friends”, I would say that she’s one of them. We talk about anything and everything that there is to talk about and it’s great. Whenever she’s upset about something or needs to vent, I’m always there to listen and try my best to help with whatever is going on. I’ve told her and all of my other friends that if they ever need to get anything out, that I’m always there to listen because I like doing that. But, the problem, here, is that whenever I’m truly upset about something, she’s nowhere to be found. It’s like she goes out of her way to avoid me when something serious happens and I’m visibly upset about it. I usually don’t cry–not in public at least. But one morning, I came to school crying because of things that had happened at home and she didn’t say a word to me the many times that I saw her throughout the day. Not only that, but if I text her about something–like I did the other day–that’s truly upsetting me, she’ll pretend like she didn’t even see it. We were talking at around 4 in the morning, and I suddenly started panicking and poured my heart out about how I felt like I really was a terrible person and wasn’t good enough for anything. Then, she stopped responding. The next day, when I saw her, I still felt terrible about things in general, and she didn’t even mention a word about anything I had said or even ask if I was okay.

So, I just stopped talking to her. I didn’t send her anymore messages or anything, and she hasn’t tried to talk to me either. The first couple days that I didn’t speak to her, I started to wonder if she even cared at all because she didn’t even attempt to talk to me.

So, the question here, I suppose, is: Am I overreacting by not speaking to her? And is it wrong of me to question whether or not I still want to be friends with her, just because she never wants to acknowledge me when I’m upset about things? Also, what should I even do about this?

Tags: asked July 4, 2014

5 Answers

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Yours is a situation that comes up frequently when talking about boundaries, you give someone a lot, but when you need something, they are always too busy, or just disappear. It's ok to expect to be treated in the same way as you treat her. Usually the suggested behavior is drawing a line, deciding how much you want to give her without anything in return, and when you feel you gave enough/don't want to give at all, you tell her that you feel your relationship isn't reciprocal and you need her to be there for you. And you watch what happens, see if they start giving, or not. So ending the friendship is not the first thing suggested.
But in this case, you also have a friend who turns her back on you blatantly when you show that you aren't ok. A friend is supposed to ask you what's wrong, that's why we evolved with the ability to have sad faces. I think it's your call, besides working on reciprocity, to also confront her and tell her "Hey, you see me crying and don't ask me what's wrong? That's hurtful, why do you that?", and see where that goes. Or, you can stay away from her.
Among the examples you give I think only stopping responding at 4am is understandable, sleep reason. The other examples are right in making you question your friendship.
So overall, tl:dr, from now on ask to be helped as much as you help her, and if she doesn't do her part, don't help her (or help her as much as you can do without resenting it).
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Hi Mary! I don't think that you are overreacting at all, when i hear your side of the story ( because i guess that maybe the story would be different from her side) i totally understand you and i think that if it was me i would have done the same thing, don't feel bad or keep thinking about it because i think that you now realize that you keep giving more in this friendship then she does, its not really fair when you are always there for someone and that person isn't there for you when you need them! So i guess maybe you should reconsider this friendship and see if she's really one of your ''best friend'', because i guess its easy to be there with someone and laugh and stuff when everything is great but if she cannot be there for you when its bad, the moment when you truly need her, i'm sure she care about you, but maybe not as much as you!
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It's a complicated situation and I have been also through something similar. Something you always have to bare in mind is that some people are good at giving advice and others just block themselves because they don't know what to do, and it's fine because we all have our good and bad things about us. You shouldn't stop talking to her, you should do the opposite, sit her down (in person please if possible) and ask her why does she do that to you when you are sad and that you would appreciate it if she showed a bit at least interest to know how to help you... I don't know! Something along those lines, tell her what you don't like about it and don't force her to change just say that it would be nice if she did those things for you. If you need a friend that helps you out when you need it then find someone who is good at that, there is no point in asking that behaviour to a friend that doesn't have that naturally. Make the best of all the friendships you have, no one is perfect.
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You are defentlay not overreacting and friends like that are not good to have. The fact your questioning whether or not to talk to her shows a lot about ur character. But I think it's time to talk to her (if u feel comfortable) ask her why she hasn't tried to reach out to you and express your feelings to her. If she doesn't have a good answer than it's time to ditch her. Good luck.
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*excuse my grammar, my first language is not english.* Holy cow, I'm in your EXACT situation! And no, I personally don't think you're over-reacting at all! I also have a friend who is like your friend, I used to consider her one of my bff (I'm not sure of what I feel about her now), we hangout A LOT, whenever I'm happy, she's there, whenever she's sad, I was there for her too. One time, she got kicked out of her house by her dad and she came to my house in the middle of the night, crying, I was there for her. But whenever I'm sad, she doesn't even bother asking me what's wrong! Because she doesn't seem to listen to you, you should try asking her/writing her a short letter saying how you were there for her the whole time and she was not there for you when you're down and see what's her reaction to that. But look, friends, REAL friends are supposed to be there for each other, that's what friends are for and that's what friendship is all about, and if a friend can not be there for you when you need them most, you shouldn't consider them your friend. Friends are supposed to care for eachother, and you, my friend, are an example of a good friend! In the end, I think she should still be one of your many friends, but not your best friend, because a girl like that does not worth that much of your time.