So, this is going to be a brief run through of some of my past that has lead to what is bothering me now. Min you there is more to everything than just this, but it gives you an idea, I think. So about 4 years ago now my fiancé cheated on me with her ex who she claimed to hate with a passion. She told me when it happened and begged me to stay, so I did under one condition: That she never speak to the guy again. After a year of knowing she was seeing him still (despite her trying to hide it from me) we split up. I got tired of being second best to this guy and it crippled me emotionally for a while. She had said some things to him about me, things to me, basically made me feel like I was just a back-up boyfriend who lost his usefulness.
Speed up to a year after and I meet the most awesome girl. She literally made me feel like I was loved, like I could be loved, after the crap that went down with my last relationship. I can say I hadn’t felt this way since the first time I fell in love, and she told me she had the same feelings for me, but there was a problem, and if I was crippled before this completely destroyed me, I feel.
She couldn’t date a loser (she didn’t say it as bluntly, it was dressed up to seem less hurtful), a guy going nowhere. Mind you I had just gotten out of a long term relationship where I basically left everything I owned behind, I had no car anymore, and didn’t have my own place. I recently had to move in with my mom (partly to help her after back surgery, partly to get away for a while). It has been three years since then, and I can’t heal it seems.
I can’t date because no matter who it is, I see myself as being inferior to any other person out there. It is like a cavalcade of depressing and demeaning thoughts about myself any time I even think about asking a girl out. My last “date” was about 6 months ago and I ended it cause now it isn’t just that I think I am inferior, I feel numb. Like I can’t feel anything. This girl was sweet and nice, and under any other circumstance I would have pursued it. I have basically given up altogether because I feel I’m not good enough for anyone.
This is compounded by the fact that the last girl I loved is basically running to me for advice in every relationship she is in, and despite the torture I feel from it, I keep helping her. Just to see her again, hear her voice. Despite every ounce of me wanting to kill feelings for her, after everything that happened, I love her. And it makes me hate myself more.
I am at the point now where I plan on cutting any kind of social ties off to everything to just try to be new again and escape the prison I built for myself.
I know this is kind of a rant, so I’ll end it here. I just need some advice, and I need to vent. I don’t have anyone to share this stuff with because most people retract from me when I bring up any kin of problems I have.
Thank you all for your time.
