How to deal with my fiance’s mommy issues.

Sounds like you married into the same kind of family I did. My husband hardly talks to them but when they are around things sure do turn colorful pretty fast! Is your fiancé a mommy's boy as well? Like does he get drawn into all of it and try to protect his mom no matter what?. My husband is passive aggressive as well. My in laws all hate me and my whole family loves my husband but he definitely had some of the same quirks of hit family in the beginning. It used to drive him nuts that my whole family just walks in without nocking on the door. They also walk in the kitchen and make a sandwich if they are hungry. When we have family gatherings any one can come. He has to knock on his own mom's door to get in her house. I know some families are like that but my family isn't so it was so weird at 1st. They also keep millions of secrets from one another. Stupid secrets. Like if I talk to his mom she will say she's not going to tell anyone she talked to me. Like it's a big secret or something. They are always in a race to see who can find out what 1st. It makes me sick and after awhile with my family who are by no means perfect but just different he got used to it. Then he started to see how strange his family acts. You will be wise to wear a smile with all of your fiancé's family but never give them too much info about you. They sound like they feed on drama. They will suck you right in if you let them. If any fights happen just say you don't want to be involved and won't take sides. That will stop each of them from trying to make you take sides. If you get drawn in it will live to haunt you later. I promise. If this is becoming a problem now just wait till you deal with it for 10 years. You may want to have some premarital counseling and set some boundaries where his family is concerned before getting married. When people say you marry a whole family they are not lying. Working out as much as you can before getting married is a very good idea.

Thanks so much for your response. Actually, shortly after posting this, I sought out a councilor for pre-marital counceling. I get along wonderfully with his dad and step mom. They and his other siblings function as a "normal" family would. Holidays are always at their house and everyone gets along swimmingly. It's the mom that's sort of the outsider who no one talks about or wants to deal with except for my fiance. In that aspect, it's a lot like what you are describing in your family. I tried to get to know her and be friendly but it seemed the more she found out about me, the more she would use against me. For instance, she's a very religious woman, and when she found out that my mother and I love to decorate and do a fun haunted house for kids for halloween, she asked me if we were Wiccan. At first I thought she was kidding but she was deathly serious. All this while my fiance is sitting there like a pressure cooker not saying a word. It's maddening.

This is actually pretty common - for mothers to feel so possessive of their sons - especially when they are in a relationship. That is why there's so many jokes in movies and TV about the relationship between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws. As for your fiance, perhaps there is a specific reason he feels protective over her as well. Maybe he feels like she doesn't have anyone else and I wouldn't be surprised if she manipulates him to continue to keep him so loyal to her in some way. Also if he's her only son that would just make the feelings stronger and also because he's the youngest - her "baby." You really need to get across (possibly through counseling as someone else suggested) how him doing these things is creating division in your relationship and making you feel like you come second. If he is planning on marrying you he needs to realize and accept the fact that you should and will come first. If he can't accept that then I would hesitate to marry him. I hope this can be resolved though as I would hate to see what it would be like after y'all have kids without it being resolved.

For the most part he does put me first. I'm a little spoiled in that aspect :P Luckily we live several states away from his mom so I only have to deal with the occasional phone call and on holidays. Out of his 3 siblings, he's the only one who deals with her so that's where the clingyness comes from. We just need to find a better way to handle her and her baggage which she throws all over him. There is like a big secret that he doesn't want me to know about and that's where a lot of the tension comes from. It's like as soon as she gets involved it's a jenga game and he's trying to keep that last brick from slipping out.