I’d like to feel comfortable in my own skin. Id love to go to a music show and feel comfortable dancing, not worrying or thinking about what other people might be thinking or judging about it. I am terrified of being put on the spot, or being made fun of (even light heartedly,) because it points out what im not doing, or not doing right, and I feel embarrassed and silly… out of place, naive… child-like. I am always thinking about why it’s awkward to not know what to do with my hand or arm when standing with folks, or how im perceived by the way I carry myself. Its hard for me to relax in a moment and feel comfortable/confident in just being.
Ive never really been present with an open heart in my own body. I don’t have breasts (very small), so one of the first and primary things that helps a woman come into her own femininity, I’ve not been able to experience. It impacts my interest and engagement in sex with anyone, specifically my partner, who also is dealing with body image issues. We perpetuate each other’s insecurities by having our own, despite being loving and supportive of each other. She isn’t “in” her body, and that translates into how we flirt or be romantic with each other. I don’t get a lot of sexually-based compliments from her, so I’m not getting the external feedback to contrast my own skewed sense of sexiness, or lack thereof. She’s actually the opposite (by nature) pointing out the unusual, weird, gross, unattractive things in herself or with me…which doesn’t exactly promote positive self image. it’s a glass half empty kind of situation when it comes to esteem. EVERY time I compliment her, she never accepts it, her response is pointing out what’s not sexy/attractive (in her opinion.) I don’t take it personally and know that it’s her stuff, but it impacts how she is romantically, with me. When we do have sex, we don’t really take time to enjoy each other, or our bodies. We usually try and get done with it quickly and move on with our night, so neither of us are really feeling the physicality of the experience. The more time that goes by with us feeling like this, the more inept we both feel at being sexual. It’s gotten to a point with myself where I feel disinterested in it all together… a detachment or resignation in expressing in that way, because i feel detached from myself.
Anytime I engage in anything social, my social anxiety kicks in and I instantly feel out of place, wanting to go back to the safety of my home. My mind isn’t as fast and witty as a lot of people, so it’s hard for me to have or start a conversation, or ride out and flip shit back when someone wants to be playfully punchy. People are able to sense when I’m feeling uncomfortable and look at me with a “im trying to figure out what you’re about” kind of look… which could be something I am making up entirely, or it could be completely accurate. Ive learned that I rely heavily on my own life “lens” which sometimes is the opposite of what’s actually going on. That has generated a distrust in myself.
I am thinking about breast implants, because how great would it be to add that piece to my puzzle?! I know the GF would like them, she’s a breast woman (NOT an ass woman) and she has gone a long 6+ years without playing with any. But, I feel like if im able to learn how to love myself and body, my confidence will supersede my need to experience this quintessential element of feeling feminine, and I could finally feel present in my body.
I would love to feel confident enough to try various women-empowering activities like belly dancing, or burlesque. I want to own my sexuality, my femininity, my body. I want to have a healthy sex life in my 30’s and 40’s +. I’d love to learn how to flirt and feel confident in what I have to offer myself and partner, and have that extend into knowing and feeling what i have to offer everyone else.
I need to learn how to just stop the “im not good enough” feeling that mantras in my every atom.
What’s strange is it’s so important to me to work on my “stuff”, ive decided not to have kids. building/repairing my relationship with myself is a priority, but i feel overwhelmed with how to begin this self-image repair process.
Where do I start?
