I’m male and turned twenty in April. I’m at University in England studying Computer Science.
I’ve got anxiety. I worry about most things. I’ve got minimum self-confidence. I’m always thinking, my brain never stops working. A lot of the time I’m imagining being the perfect person who I want to be. I’m very absent minded, easily distracted.
I don’t know what I’m doing in life. It feels like I haven’t got a real path or any real motivations. I’m not really working towards anything. I’m at University only as something to occupy myself with, I don’t have a real passion for what I’m studying. I do it simply because I don’t know what else to do with myself.
I hate myself, I hate my parents, I hate most of the people I’m acquainted with. I’m very closed off. I keep my worries to myself. I don’t let myself get emotionally attached to anything. I’m ‘seeing’ a girl and I see her as pretty much disposable. I know that’s wrong, but I just don’t really care much about being with her. I don’t miss her now we’re apart. I just don’t really feel anything towards her and I don’t know if that’s because I just don’t like her that much or because I’m just wrapped up so tightly in my own thoughts and defences that I don’t let myself be connected to someone.
Now I’m back from University I spend a lot of time browsing on the internet, watching TV shows or occasionally playing games. I have joined the gym and I go every couple of days but some days I just feel lazy and then I scold myself for not going. I always go on my own. I don’t have a great amount of friends here as I was never a very social and popular guy. But I do have a select few.
I’m not a complete loner and I don’t just spend all my time in my room playing games. I do have quite a lot of exercise. I eat relatively healthily. I’ve stopped drinking alcohol because of how it makes me feel depressed, I cut out caffeine a while back and I make sure to get enough sleep with regular bedtimes (I should really be getting to bed now but my mind is thinking too much, hence why I’m here).
I realise this is meant to be a question and I am yet to provide one. I don’t really know what my question is. I just feel lost. I always have. I have no confidence in myself and I fear I’ll spend so much time wondering what life is all about that I’ll grow up being dissatisfied. Sometimes I feel everything I do is just another way of running away from what I want and how I feel. I try to convince myself and everyone else that I’m alright, because I’m a twenty year old man and I’m meant to have direction. There are guys at my age who have found something that suits them and have been climbing the career ladder since they left school, but I’ve never had a real job and I’m still wondering what the hell I want from life.
I think I just expect too much. My expectations are unrealistic. I’m dissatisfied with just being an average Joe but until I come to terms with the fact that that’s who I am, then I’ll never be able to be happy.
I see no point in anything, I hate everything, I’m anxious about life. It sounds like I’m depressed, but I shouldn’t be. I’m young, healthy, not bad-looking and I’m in higher education. I’m relatively privileged. So what can’t I just get along with myself? How do I find a reason to be excited about the future?