He took my heart when he took his life

Hello, everyone. (For anyone who’s read my previous post, this is not the same person.)

My name is River. And.. My boyfriend’s name was Alex.

He’s now dead.
He shot himself on January 5th, 2014.

I had a complete mental breakdown when I was told the news (the police assumed we had some sort of suicide pact) and I was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward for six days, and prescribed 10mg Prozac along with my 30mg Vyvanse.

I’ve lost almost thirteen pounds. I can’t eat.
I can hardly do anything without becoming dizzy, weak, and/or exhausted.

The last time we communicated was through Skype on January 2nd, and it was an argument. The last lines he sent me were:
“I can’t take this… Life”
“Bye.”

At the time, I assumed he was giving up on our relationship. (Along with an instant gut reaction of “don’t you freaking kill yourself”) For the two months before this, his mother had been causing extreme issues in our lives to the point of us crying out of frustration.

After we spoke, I felt so guilty that I sent an email to him at 2am saying “I love you” and “please don’t leave me”.. He forwarded it to my mom. After this, his mother completely isolated him for almost 48 hours, locking his phone, laptop, bike keys, etc. in the safe.. But leaving his dad’s gun in her dresser.

I feel so guilty, and angry, and desperate just to hear his voice.
His mom had him cremated (I was still in the ward when the service took place)
And gave a catholic funeral service (though he hated being catholic)

And she blames me.

Is it my fault?

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ThatGirlwiththeHeadphones

4 Answers

6 accepted

NO. People sometimes want a scape goat for these things or it may just be easier to blame you than it would be to blame herself and hate herself for the rest of her life (which she doesn't have to do either....). It is completely inappropriate for her to blame you and I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you've had to deal with in all of this. No one should have to go through this kind of thing. Just know that you are in no way responsible for this. I don't really understand all the details but it sounds like he mostly couldn't take his mom's controlling behavior with him. Unfortunately, I think this kind of thing is kind of common with parents and their children and that is sad. You are just as much a victim in all of this as he was. So don't you ever accept the blame for any of it. It's enough that you have to deal with this kind of loss. His mother is not the only one who lost him. Just try to forgive her and grieve in your own way.

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Vivid Melody

1,794

It is no way your fault. He obviously had a lot going on within his mind and he was unable to deal with things anymore. Although your last conversation was an argument doesn't mean that you played a contributing factor into him feeling like he needed to end his life. He would have thought about it and felt like this was the best thing for him to do, and the way for him to reach peace.Don't blame yourself.

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Nugget

232

Its not your fault obviously.. Like mentioned above he had a lot going thru his mind but he knew how much u loved him. It will be difficult and but give it time.. time may not make the pain go away completely but it will help u deal with it better. Try to find solace that u let him know u loved him and needed him.

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elizabethfke12

128

Just for note, he was 15 years old, and I'm 17. We'd been dating since February 22nd, 2013, and I was the longest and the most serious relationship he'd ever had.I miss him, I miss everything about him. The one thing I want the most is his favorite jacket that he almost always wore, but I will probably never get it since he was a juvenile & his mom has proven on multiple occasions that she didn't like me.The fact that we had been.. Intimate, only increases my grief. Is it normal to be angry and unable to preform mental and physical work? The only thing I want to do is lay on my bed and play solitare.

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ThatGirlwiththeHeadphones